Senator Bill Frist is a Big Fat Idiot

Monday's drive in to work was one of those king-hell commutes. When I got in line at the 5 minute stop light, which I work into the commute time, I realized that I was about four times further away from the light than I usually was.

4x5 = a 20 minute stoplight

Frustrated, I grabbed a cigarette...only to realize that I had only two more remaining. Buying a pack of smokes takes five minutes.

25 minutes late= phone call notifying boss-man

I called and continued onward...finishing my last cigarette as I pulled into the Walgreen's parking lot. I asked for a Camel Light hardpack and handed over my Visa Check Card.

"I'm sorry, your card isn't going through...I'm going to have to..."

"Run it again," I demanded, "that card is hooked up to my checking account, my credit is valid, run it again!"

The man did as instructed, solemnly waiting for the same rejection message.

"Sir, it's not going through, I'm going to have to keep your..."

I snatched my card quickly out of his hand and darted out of the store and into my minivan.

Fuck! how am I going to make it through the day without cash, food, and smokes!

I continued on my drive in to work. Quickly realizing that I needed to phone my bank, I called in and was told that my card was on hold due to.....fraud detection...will I hold to transfer....OK...pulled a U-turn and headed back towards Walgreens.

"At least this should be fast," I thought.

I racked my brain trying to think of any big purchases or travel that would have set off the alarms. Nothing came to mind."Hello Mr. Youngest, the reason your card has been placed on hold is...do you gamble at online gaming sites?"

Panic.

Oh Fuck no! Not today! Not Monday! Why would they stop letting me use my card now! Can they legally seize my money? Oh lord, no! How am I going to eat!

My mind quickly recalled the previous night. I had a bottle of whiskey and was testing my luck, multi-tabling in expensive tournaments. Towards the end of the night, my poker account ended up at $0.37. I tried to deposit more money and was denied for the first time ever. That didn't stop me from trying 5 more times, though. 5 more times on each of the five major online poker websites. I was denied no fewer than twenty-five times.

"Mr. Youngest? Are you there?"

If I deny it, I'm also confirming that someone is placing fraudulent charges.

"Yeah, umm, occasionally."

"It shows here that you made several recent attempts to deposit money at a variety of online gambling sites?"

**silence**

"Well then, Mr. Youngest, I need to inform you that we do not allow deposits to any online gaming websites. Ultimate Bet. Full Tilt. We do not allow deposits to any of them."

"Mmhmm."

"OK, I'm going to go ahead and lift the hold on your card then."

"Great! Can I use it, like, immediately? I need to buy something," I said as I walked back into Walgreens, pointing at the pack of Camels.

"Yes sir, you should be all set. You do understand that you will not be able to make any more deposits to these websites in the future?"

"Uh huh"

Relieved, I grabbed my smokes and huffed down one more on the last leg of my drive, heading into the office at 8:55.

Phew

It was a relief to have my purchasing power back in my wallet again. My favorite American hobby, though, was being threatened by whatever dirty republicans at my bank were in league with Bill Frist. No republican ever stopped this resourceful googler, though, and after a few more failed attempts at third party credit card processing companies I returned to Walgreens today.

"Hi, could I get a Camel Light hardpack...and one of those $100 Visa Gift Cards."

"That'll be $108."

I handed her my Visa Check Card. She then gave me a $100 Visa Gift Card with no name and no address connected to it. Somehow this is legal to use at all major online poker sites.
So in the end I got what I wanted. Money to gamble with...$100 that will offer more thrills than TV, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, Command & Conquer, HDTV, and a quart of whiskey could give me...combined.

So fuck you, Bill Frist! You and your feet-fucking republicans can't hold down the Little Bastard!

The Martyr-idation of Dick Cheney
or
Vice President Palooka

Am I the only one who gets nervous and a little bit skeptical when the AP runs an article with an opening line like this:

"WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney is reaching out to moderate Arab leaders for help in bringing stability to Iraq, a mission that will include pleas for postwar support for minority party Sunnis."












Now, I understand that nobody likes a skeptic…but this is just silly. Reaching out? The last time Cheney reached out and flew in to the Middle East, the Bad Guys tried to bomb him to death. The only thing Cheney has ever plead for - hell, the only thing the man wants, his aids say - is a follow up to the massively successful Greco-style White House Dinner Orgy of 2003.

Cheney couldn’t stop asking for a Second Feast, a thought echoed by many. The only reason the administration hasn’t staged a second coming is due to the risk of another leak. Weeks after the 2003 dinner, journalists found fragments of a disturbingly pornographic transcript from the event. These excerpts were found on a sheet of paper, stuck to the floor in a White House bathroom stall.

“…the lights have dimmed now, and the men, led by Cheney, are disrobing and forming a sort of human pyramid…”

“…electric wires hang from the ceiling, crackling. The smell of burning flesh has filled the halls, somewhere in the distance I can hear Dubya’s laugh, only slower, like a monster…”

“…Jenna Bush, now in stockings and high heels, is giving Lincoln’s portrait a strip tease—licking the paint now, hugging the frame…”

“…Bill Frist dances alone and naked in a corner, but for his belt, which features hundreds of hypodermic needles filled with multicolored liquids and gels. The needles chime like bells as he dances. He is surrounded by a circle of animal bones…”

“…the crescendo of White Rabbit has been playing on an endless loop since the sacrifice…everyone is naked...someone is talking about making online gambling illegal...”

“…heaving their bodies against the walls, the senators screamed as blood and animal fat splattered across the room…”

Expensive dinners/orgies are Cheney’s thing, not international diplomacy. I think the whole thing smells rotten...










So why am I telling you all of this now?

While watching Queen Elizabeth at the White House on CNN, I noticed a truck unloading vats of animal fat and human-sized crates in the background.

The second dinner will soon begin.

It very well may be Cheney's last.

One faux international diplomacy trip
+ one previous assassination attempt
+ one despised administration official
+ one final orgy
+ one trip to the middle east
= Cheney, the American Martyr.

Hated in life. Loved in death.

A martyr for what?

OIL

black gold....Texas tea...you know the stuff...














Somehow...someway...it always comes back to oil. Oil and the fucking Beverly Hillbillies. Oil, the Beverly Hillbillies, and long term religious tension.

You heard it here first.