Friday, July 23, 2010

From The Youngest:
Greatest Spam Ever



















From: Duber Balderama

To:
The Youngest (somehow via corenamaddox@yahoo.com)
Subject:
Simple Allergy May Develop To Asthma. Combat The Disease!

She Poked The Fire Aimlessly. 'Wolfgang's Got To Be Stopped. He's Plotting Something With Some Of The Dwarfs. They Meet In The Forest,Gavin Says.'
http://wouldhaveformoward.com

Drunkenly. The Son Complained That The Old Man Wouldn't Die And Let His Son Inherit While He Was Young.
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The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

From The Youngest:
You Know...

I've noticed that nobody else has posted shit lately. I'm talking to you, other two...

Meanwhile, here is some entertaining shit:











Monday, July 12, 2010

From The Youngest:

Thursday, July 08, 2010

From The Youngest:
I Fought the Law and...I Won

Gonzo Fist
















I mentioned a couple posts ago that the during my recent arrest for possession of cannabis (an obviously trumped-up, bullshit charge) the cops who arrested me were fairly disorganized and unprofessional. Maybe not "Keystone Kops" unprofessional, but they certainly would have felt right at home going out on patrol with Barney Fife.

The Keystone Kops


















Luckily, that lack of professionalism extended beyond the police station and into the courthouse.

When I was initially arrested, I wasn't very concerned about the situation. I had a sparkly-clean criminal record and I figured that my punishment would be light. Maybe I'd have to do community service or drug school and, if I was a good boy for a year or so, the charges would get wiped from my record for good. I actually looked forward to my sentence. Imagining the deadbeats that I'd get to see in drug school or that I'd be picking up trash with was an exhilarating prospect. I'd probably get a few good stories out of it too.

Since I'm planning on moving before winter, though, it occurred to me that having a misdemeanor on my record could hinder my job search. I wouldn't have minded a charge like this 5 years ago, but when you're almost 30 years old, people might think twice about paying you $50-$65k a year if they picture you getting stoned and watching Comedy Central after work each day.

Brad Pitt in True Romance












I decided to hire a lawyer in the hopes of minimizing the impact to my record. At first I checked NORML's website for a list of compassionate attorneys. Before I went that route, though, I decided to relate my story to an online Phish forum. It seemed like a logical place to go...the fan base is getting older and many share my love for "going green". A lawyer who worked on cases involving children happened to see my story and he recommended a criminal lawyer that his wife worked with in Chicago. I called him up and, after a brief chat, he said that he could show up to represent me for (a very reasonable) $350.

Breaking Bad - Criminal Lawyer

The day before my court date I got a haircut and laid out my dress shoes, khaki's, nice shirt, suit jacket, and spectacles for the next day. My goal was to appear completely harmless and to be respectful of the court/judge/lawyer/DA who have to dress up every single day...despite the shitty appearance of the defendants who they have to deal with.

The next day I met my attorney 30 minutes before the court date and we went over my story again.

Hunter S Thompson w/attorney Oscar Acosta














"Wait, they didn't ask you if they could search your car?"

"No, I mean, I just assumed that for the accident or whatever they could search it...but they didn't bother asking, he just sent his partner. Presumably, to look for the beer that I admitted to having in the car."

My attorney raised his finger in a mock-scolding fashion,

"Ah, ah, ahh...that's where you made the mistake!"

We continued to chat. At some point my attorney compared pot to fine wine. I had brought all the paperwork the cops had given me and turned it over to him. He seemed pleased have documents to look at and to put something in his folder. When the court room opened, everyone approached the clerk to register. My attorney advised me to have a seat while he took care of everything.

The court wasn't expecting me, though. There was no record of my case. The clerk had nothing. The DA had nothing. My attorney looked at the paperwork I gave him, which confirmed that we were where we were supposed to be. He asked them to look for alternate spellings...nothing.

"Sit tight, I'll be back."

As I waited, I resisted my urge to joke about justice not only being blind...but deaf and dumb as well.


















For the next half hour I observed a string of minorities stand before the judge as they doled out dismissals, community service, and other minor punishment and fines for a variety of misdemeanors. Occasionally the judge would get irritated with a small mistake that the DA had to correct or when a defendant wasn't speaking loudly enough. He was a large, intimidating figure with a gruff voice. I sat patiently and didn't slouch in my seat.

Eventually my attorney returned to the court room and came over to speak with me.

"The cop didn't even file the case yet, that's why there's no record of it...do you have a copy of your traffic ticket?"


I opened my wallet and gave it to my attorney.

"OK, I'll be back. We're trying to get everything processed upstairs."

I sat for another 45 minutes. Several times my attorney came in to chat briefly with the DA before leaving again and giving me the "I'm working on it...sit tight" hand gesture.

Finally, he pulled me out of the courtroom.
















"OK, the police officer is upstairs trying to sort out a bunch of his cases. Apparently, you weren't the only one he screwed up. Once the paperwork comes down, you can do 24 hours of community service and have the charge expunged once you finish. Now...I've had a chance to read the arrest report. He said you passed the field sobriety test like you said, but the officer didn't say what the probable cause was to search your vehicle. He just wrote the words 'had probable cause to search vehicle'."

"Wait, so the probable cause was him writing the words 'probable cause' on the police report?"

"Exactly. We could probably delay the case and schedule another court date later on to pursue this and have the case dropped...and probably get some disciplinary action taken against the cop."

"I'd rather just do the 24 hrs and be done with it."

"Alright, we should be ready to get out of here whenever the paperwork comes down."

We sat around the courtroom for the remainder of the session. With 20 minutes left until 2:00pm on a Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, I was the only defendant left in the courtroom. The DA, Judge, my attorney, and the Court Clerk engaged in light banter...where we learned that the DA was in a rush to get out of the courtroom to catch a flight to LA. She was going to be in a friend's wedding.













My attorney jumped on the chance as she impatiently looked around. He approached her and said,

"When the paperwork shows up, do you just want to dismiss this quickly and get out of here?"

"Is your client here?"

"Yes! He's the only one left."

My attorney gestured in my direction and she looked back at me briefly.

"Sure, but I'm out of here in 15 minutes. It will have to be before then."

With 7 minutes to spare, the papers were dropped off and my name was finally called. The charges were read, but the judge only had half of the arrest report in the case file. He looked confused and irritated. My attorney informed him that we brought all necessary documentation and he offered up copies of the paperwork to the judge. They confirm the case numbers, the DA mumbled some legalese, I didn't open my mouth, and my attorney wished everyone a happy Fourth of July. He put his arm out to direct me out of the courtroom.

"Alright, that's it," my attorney said, "You don't have to do anything, the case has been dropped. We'll be able to have this expunged next week."

I wanted to high-five him.

It's nice to know that justice still exists in this world.

Also, the condition of The Silver Donkey has been upgraded from "Vehicle does not meet minimal DOT guidelines" to "Vehicle shows many signs of cosmetic damage."

I got that replacement bumper back on with an order from eBay, an order from a Honda auto parts website, and With My Own Bare Hands.