Chelsea Clinton is not Sheryl Crow (this ain't no disco)


























Dammit, Chelsea Clinton. No matter how hard you try, you will never be Sheryl Crow! Quit screwing around! I see you with your new fancy makeover and it's all I can do to keep myself from humming All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun). Stop it! Sheryl Crow is a goddess. She could solve the Sunni-Shi'ite conflict just by staring into Al Sadr's eyes and smiling at him.

I know that you're about my age, Chelsea, and you grew up loving Tuesday Night Music Club just like the rest of us. We'd never heard such a sweet, sassy form of pop before in our lives! But seriously, Chelsea, enough is enough. Just let it go. I mean, Cheryl Crow comes up with great new summertime pop songs every year...she dated a man with one testicle! What have you done for us lately? Dated some British guy like six years ago and listened to Can't Cry Anymore while you wept in your bedroom after he realized who your mother was and dumped you? Seriously? Cut it out. Stop this silliness now and give us the old Chelsea back.

Hillary Clinton is a Snappy Dresser


















I'm not sure what happened in the last few days that caused both the media and the democratic party to publicly disown Hill Dog, or H-Bomb...whatever you please. It is now clear, though, that the democrats are beginning to rally against her. Her peers are beginning to scold her without mentioning her by name. "I'm really sick of seeing the primaries get so bitchy…let's just say I'm seeing a lot more of this bitchy shit from one campaign more than the other," Nancy Pelosi commented to a local paper.












This is most likely not only a response to her overall negative, attacking style of campaigning, but it's also due, in part, to the story of a dramatic arrival in Bosnia in 1996. A plane's runway touchdown, Hill Dog's rushed exit...ducking, running, sniper fire, crying children, and the the calm reserve of a first lady under pressure. A woman so valuable, so capable of negotiating and bringing peace to troubled regions throughout the world, that she was the target of an assassination attempt.











The story, of course, was bullshit, and we're not talking about the, "Oh, I meant we were landing in Herzegovina when we were attacked," kind of bullshit. It's more along the lines of, like, fantasy/fiction or Dungeons & Dragons.

She tried to clear things up at a press conference a few days ago, "Oh, right. I made a mistake," she said, "Those snipers I was talking about were smiling little girls giving me flowers."

"Also, when I said, "Duck and run," what I meant to say was, "Linger about, chatting and posing for pictures with Sinbad.""












"Also, since I am an honest, capable, electable female who will be ready to go on day one, for the purposes of full-disclosure I should mention that nothing remotely similar to that incident has ever occurred in my lifetime. I made a mistake."

Then H-Bomb's head twitched to the side and she stared blankly at the back of the room. "It proves that I am a hew-mon with real hew-mon feeeelings. Some people do not believe that I am a hew-mon. Ha ha ha."

The crowd was silent.

"I did not inhale?"

The crowd remained silent, but Hillary smiled and stretched her arms out high above her, waving with both hands. An aid snuck up to the microphone, cupped his hands over his mouth, and began making the sound of a cheering crowd.


















"Thank you! Thank you! Did I mention that the black guy's pastor hates America and wants whitey dead? Also, the rumors of him being a Muslim? I can't disprove that with any certainty…"

The crowd looked around confused, a tall man in back yelled out, "She's a cunt!"













"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," she squeaked out in response. Then the crowd of people standing on stage surrounded her in a flurry of activity, hiding her presence, drawing themselves into a tight circle. A large sheet dropped from the rafters, hiding the entire group. "Eye of the Tiger" started playing on the P.A. system and Chris Angel ran onto the stage. He shirtlessly moved his arms around in a silly dance for a few moments and then pulled away the sheet--revealing an empty stage. He lowered his head and stared into the camera lens, "Any questions?"












After her admission at the press conference, CNN began pointing out, more aggressively than ever, that there is no way that she could win the popular vote or the pledged delegate count. Why is she still in the race if she can not win? Who is she fooling with this pastor shit after refusing to comment on it for two weeks? What's going on here anyway? What sort of wacky ruse is this?

The Hillary pundits/supporters responded, "She can still win. This is a very close race...never count the Clintons out!"

Sure, she can still win. She just has to convince hundreds of superdelegates to ignore the millions of people who have already cast ballots and given an insurmountable public lead to Obama. Then all she has to do is ask that they stand behind a lying, soulless, deceptive, power-hungry bitch who eats babies for breakfast.















To be honest, though, what hurts H-Bomb more than anything else are those SILLY FUCKING COSTUMES that she wears. Seriously, what the fuck is up with this? That Queen Bee costume? She wears that thing twice a week!

Common!

teh p0k0r

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