Chelsea Clinton is not Sheryl Crow (this ain't no disco)


























Dammit, Chelsea Clinton. No matter how hard you try, you will never be Sheryl Crow! Quit screwing around! I see you with your new fancy makeover and it's all I can do to keep myself from humming All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun). Stop it! Sheryl Crow is a goddess. She could solve the Sunni-Shi'ite conflict just by staring into Al Sadr's eyes and smiling at him.

I know that you're about my age, Chelsea, and you grew up loving Tuesday Night Music Club just like the rest of us. We'd never heard such a sweet, sassy form of pop before in our lives! But seriously, Chelsea, enough is enough. Just let it go. I mean, Cheryl Crow comes up with great new summertime pop songs every year...she dated a man with one testicle! What have you done for us lately? Dated some British guy like six years ago and listened to Can't Cry Anymore while you wept in your bedroom after he realized who your mother was and dumped you? Seriously? Cut it out. Stop this silliness now and give us the old Chelsea back.