Letter To My Freshmen Resident Assistant

Dear Tim,

Before I get warm and cozy and start reminiscing about all the good times we had together, if you are an agent of Partner's In Annual Giving, or in any way affiliated with the Alumni branch of St. Olaf College, leave me the hell alone. I'm serious. Do not abuse the power dynamic of a mentor reaching out to his mentee after years of neglect, and try to hustle me out of my hard earned dollars. It's distasteful. Besides, I really do not have a lot of disposable income to piss away for a new and improved St. Olaf health spa. I'm not saying the kids are spoiled these days, I just feel less pressure to skip meals so as to fund the fleet of monkey butlers who serve as personal attendants to the students who can afford the "Platinum Dorm Plan." You're barking up the wrong tree. In case you slept through Principals of Economics, it turns out you only have to liquidate your 401k funds once for lasting financial damage to take place. Perhaps my enthusiasm got the best of me when I entered into the currency markets betting heavy, then doubling down on the U.S. dollar to recover. Pardon my language, here, Tim, but Allen Fucking Greenspan couldn't have predicted parity with the Loonie in '07, regardless of the troubling international situation. I'm "sporting lint" as certain neighborhoods in Boston use to describe a lack of M1 (hard currency) in their pockets. I live hand to mouth. I collect change under drive-thru windows and spend it on the dollar menu. I couldn't walk a mile in your Air Force Ones.

And if this is any way involving Bhutto, I will not provide safe harbor to you or anyone involved. I have no skin in that game, and no longer think it's funny to play chicken with the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, I've launched my own filibusters against sovereign nations in my younger days, but have no further need for jet-set-thrill-seeking-coup-d'états anymore. I'm married. I have more than just my own health & safety to consider, and no longer believe in taking the chess board that is international politics, and micturating all over the pieces. I've found that diplomats are there for a reason, and not all small countries with weak central governments need a well-armed "catalyst" to fast forward the evolution of civilization. There were plenty of lessons to be learned in the early part of this century, and I intent for those lessons to stick. I'm retired.

I hope I am not a grave disappointment to you, as I consider you a father of sorts, and I hope you can understand that those many hours of Socratic instruction, the grueling krav maga sessions, the psychological limits that were pursued and attained (I still can get my pulse down to 15 bpm even after the accident!) - these were special, formative years for me, and they would not have been the same without you.


Much love,

Mezzo