Hollywood Parties



Hollywood parties are a lot like parties anywhere else in the world - drinking, dancing, snorting sounds coming from the stall next to you, only way, way, way sexier. I avoided the cover with some upper lip peach fuzz. The club itself was located across the street from the scientology mother ship. The DJ was rumored to have charged many hundreds of dollars an hour, and there were women dressed, and strategically placed on top of tables, dancing in their underwear. It reminded me of the Minnesota state fair - an interesting spectacle and opportunity to rub shoulders with people I would never encounter in my day to day life.

Overheard on a Trip to the Westwood Mall



"Ho! Ho! Ho!"

-Santa (Yeah, no shit - November 16th!*)


"She's cute, in a lesbian sort of way."

- Blond on an escalator


"You just have to go to the big sales. Even if you don't buy anything, because it makes you feel good!"

- Clerk, while ringing me up at a department store


*He really didn't say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Letter To My Midwestern Friends

My Election 2008 Top Ten Highlights


10) Voting in the showroom at my local Jeep dealership. How many people in this great nation of ours had their oil changed while they voted? Not enough, I say. Not enough.

9) Massachusetts decriminalized marijuana possession. As you were, citizen, being red-eyed and giggly is no longer a crime.

8) Voting on all of those crazy California propositions. All my life, I watched these things with rapt attention. Would elementary school lunch programs be required to serve vegan alternatives? Will all California farm animals be assigned a personal valet, and legal emancipation at 18? The one that got a lot of press this year was banning homosexual marriage, but the most insane was building a high speed bullet train from Los Angeles to San Fransisco. And it passed! They say it will cost $10 billion, however, once we declare victory over all that empty space in the middle of the dessert, the bullet train will fund itself.

7) Medical marijuana is legal in Michigan, which is like, a two-joint road trip from Chicago. I can haz cateracts?



6) The Stuart Smalley race. The Youngest and I were there at the very, very, very beginning. Stuart had just formed a PAC, and to get the word out, he called his old pal Leo Kottke to play his ten-string guitar for a few songs in downtown Minneapolis.

The Youngest caught wind of the concert cum political rally and we heard the famous virtuoso perform live, gratis. He sounded incredible. Afterwords, an elderly man free associated about Stuart's early life. He rambled for a long, long time. The crowd grew restless, and after 30 minutes, someone yelled "Get him off!" Stuart interrupted, put his arm around the man, and walked him off the stage. When Stuart began to speak in lofty political rhetoric with a preacher's voice "And I came back to Minnesota TO HELP CHANGE THINGS!" the Youngest and I knew that Kottke wouldn't be coming back, so we left, apparently in doing so, we made quite a commotion and were scolded by a handler. Then we got drunk at Liquor Liles and played the Sopranos pinball machine for a few hours. These were some of the precious moments of my twenties.

5) Hearing that the Youngest scored tickets to the Barrack Hussian Obama victory rally, and then sold a ticket for $300. Watching history unfold feels even better with $300 in your pocket. "That one" is already paying off!


4) Voting Libertarian. Why is this one of the top ten? Because I feel a smug sense of superiority over all you jackasses that threw your vote away, and perpetuated the two party system that is responsible for the mess we find ourselves in today, and let's not kid ourselves here, regardless of that clean cut, and well spoken young man who will be taking the reigns of the bucking bronco that is the United States economy in a couple of months, we are FUCKED. Problems that can be solved by the system are one thing, but problems in the system itself require bloody revolution.

3) My old alma mater made fools of themselves for hiring a professor named Phil Busse who stole a bunch of McCain lawn signs and called it one of the most exhilarating moments of his life. We have something in common. Petty vandalism (and running from the cops) was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life...When I was 14. These days I find a brilliant quatrain, an earthy Chardonnay from Sonoma, or discussing advanced theories of bioluminescence much more invigorating.


2) An admitted past user of cocaine, and current cigarette smoker is on his way to the White House. We can no longer tell our children that drugs will prevent you from achieving great accomplishments in your life, and cigarettes have just become cool again.


1) Free coffee at Starbucks. The Bossman and I took advantage of an election day promotion to "take a coffee" and discuss how difficult it is to actually write a screenplay, as opposed to judging the screenplays of others. Then he made lewd comments about the women that passed by on Santa Monica Blvd. We returned to work after an hour or so. He seemed grateful not only for the free coffee, but for the opportunity to kill an hour of his endless work day. He stopped by my desk later on so that we could walk out to the parking garage together. I told him I was still working. He said on what? I told him. He said can't it wait until tomorrow?

Dear Lord, What Have We Done?



















What a wonderfully cathartic moment. I, for one, have been following this race consistently for two damn years. I was emotionally involved. I've been waiting 5 years to vote that terrifying man-child out of high office. I ask you to join with me as we bow down to our new Democratic Overlords. We can enjoy the prospect of "change" or "hope" or "a new path for America" for at least a little while. I encourage everybody to get stupid-happy over the next handful of months as best they can. It isn't often that you can pretend, just for a little while, that you are blindly and hopelessly optimistic. Especially with massive financial disaster bearing down all around us.













I didn't predict such a resounding victory for Obama, and I may pay for it. I won my wager betting against the republicans getting over 269 electoral votes, I lost my wager placing Obama's electoral vote tally at 310-329. So now, it all comes down to McCain, with three states remaining too close to call.

Missouri (11 electorals) (McCain is ahead by 6,000 votes)
North Carolina (15 electorals) (Obama up by 12,000 votes)
Indiana (11 electorals) (Fuck! Indiana just went Obama)

I have a wager with McCain winning 22 states or more (he has 21)
I have a wager with McCain losing by 160 or fewer electoral votes (he needs 22 to close the gap)
I have a wager with McCain winning Missouri (McCain is up by less than 6,000 votes with 100% reporting)

Luckily, even if McCain can't pull Missouri and I lose all three of these bets, I have my wagers covered. I put my guest ticket pass for Obama's election night rally up for sale on E-Bay for $290. Some lady downtown who works for Bank of America, of all places, bought it from me and then said that she didn't need it. She didn't even ask if I was willing to give her money back, God bless her.

Personally, I give this next batch of bastards in congress about 150 days before they remind us all why the two party system is a sham. We have given far too much power to one party. That should frighten everybody. It's equivalent to dumping a year's worth of food into a goldfish bowl and expecting the idiot brain of the fish to ration its intake.

You have to admit that this was an election of epic historical proportion, though. I'm happy that Obama will be our next president. I think our country is ready for a more inclusive, less fear-mongering executive branch. From what I've seen over the last two years Obama is an intellectual, thoughtful, pragmatic person. Looking at his rapid rise to the top, you have to give him props for being a remarkable strategist...or at least having the vision to exploit every opportunity he was given. Whether or not he has the character to stand up to his party and stop what is sure to be a massive orgy of government spending is doubtful. It really is a damn shame, but it's only a matter of time before we wake up one morning to a dead, bloated fish floating happily amidst the excesses of its own blind greed.

In the meantime, 40's of Olde English and Phat Philly Blunts all around...I'll also leave you with this cold, communist-style communication congratulating Obama...from our friends in China.

CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO

"In a new historical era, I look forward to taking our bilateral relationship of constructive co-operation to a new level."

That may not sound so weird, unless you consider other gushing remarks from different countries

UK PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN

"This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written.

"Barack Obama ran an inspirational campaign, energising politics with his progressive values and his vision for the future."