Enter Sandman


My number one challenge at work is entertaining my boss, who struggles to occupy his time during his endless 7-hour work day. He drags me to long lunches, lingering coffee breaks*, and long bull sessions. I feel obliged to humor him because he has direct control over how much money I make. He loves discussing books, movies, cultural differences between India and the United States, how much money he made when he first got a job in 1995, how much money he makes now, his ten year old son's kick ass tennis game, his ten year old son's kick ass artistic talents, his ten year old son's popularity at school, and sex**.

I'm sure you, the astute reader, are thinking, "Yes, this is a delightful romp of a blog post, however, what does this have to do with the Sandman?"

Well, you see, I've come up with a technique to stay productive as we discuss why Indians wag their head back and forth when you talk to them. I have a grip strengthener that I pull out and squeeze until either my arm feels like it's about to fall off or he stops talking. Usually it is the former. I've been developing my grip because a strong grip is particularly useful in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for choking people.

On Saturday, I was grappling with someone who out weighed me by a good 20 pounds, and I caught him in a collar choke. It felt deep, but he didn't tap out, so I applied even more pressure. After a few seconds, his body went limp, his eyes closed, and he lost consciousness. I jumped up and called for help, because there's techniques to revive people. He was only out for ten seconds or so, and when he woke up, it was like nothing had ever happened. The head instructor mocked my response, and told a story about how one of the black belts, when he was just a white belt, choked someone unconscious, and then jumped up and screamed, "CALL 911! CALL 911!"

Four days later, it happened again. With the same collar choke, the dumb motherfucker I was grappling with decided that he wasn't in trouble, and didn't tap out when I had a deep choke locked in. He went limp and began having minor convulsions.


After class, my instructor was a little pissed off. I partially understand. He can't have people getting choked unconscious with that kind of regularity. I made my case, and explained how I'm usually careful, but WTF, these guys have to tap! He asked me if I've ever been put to sleep before. I said, "No," he said, "Well you will soon."

This is sort of troubling, as nine out of ten doctors recommend not blocking the blood supply to your brain blocked to the point of passing out.

This is what it looks like:

*Literal coffee breaks like I imagine people used to have in like the 60's. Here's how it works. You enter the break room with your coworkers, pour yourselves a cup of coffee, and sit around and bullshit. I was dumbfounded myself at first. Also, I'm really growing fond of Indians.

**He once told me that women hit their peak sexual attractiveness at 14 years old. If I learned anything in college, it's that in a multicultural environment, one cannot make value judgments against another culture, particular if that culture is a member of the "other" group, that is, an ethnic or racial minority and the judgment is being made by the dominant culture. So for me to call my Boss a sick motherfucker is to be branded a racist, so let's just say I believe women hit their peak physical beauty when they are, *ahem*, women.***

***Oh who am I kidding?

On Getting My First Physical in Ten Years and Noticing My Doctor's French Pedicure While Being Checked For Hernias


Doctors in Los Angeles are a lot like doctors anywhere else in the United States….Only way, way, way, way sexier.

"I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you."












No, no, and no. Despite what you may think, this is not the World Trade Center...it's a gate at the airport!

See their cute little carry-ons? Only a fool would be shocked by the image of a plane coming right at them from the perspective of a person inside a large, glassed in office-type building. It's just a coincidence that this RNC mailer suggests that Obama wants to sit down at rap back and forth with his fellow terrorist Muslims...or Arabs...or, you know, Satan. It's cool with Obama, they can take out a building every once in a while...they're just going to have to have a little chat with the president afterward.

Besides, we've all seen this movie before. It's a comedic throwback to Airplane!.We all remember the part at the end of the movie where the airplane crashes through the window of the terminal. Classic! This isn't about fear-mongering or stroking nationalistic pride, this is about comedy. Everyone knows that comedy is just tragedy plus time.














Then again, I doubt that he's trying to draw any comparisons between his campaign and a movie featuring a washed up war vet crash-landing a commercial airliner, but what the fuck do I know? The guy is edgy.

Striker : George Zip said that?

Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime
when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating
the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all
they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't
know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell
too good, that's for sure.

Quitting


Quitting. There's no better feeling.

Love Story


One of the interesting things I've noticed about my coworkers from India and Iran are their views on love. They are much less cynical and jaded then Americans. Grown men talk of love without shame or embarrassment. Last week, one of the Indian developers I work with told me a heartwarming love story, perhaps unique to countries with arranged marriages:

A friend of mine has a roommate named Vivek who was looking for a wife. Vivek's parents emailed him pictures of a potential bride from India. He was immediately struck by the woman's beauty, and emailed her an important question - would she consider marrying someone a little short, and with a dark complexion? She replied that such things mattered little to her when choosing a husband. What mattered to her was character and compassion and the capacity to love. Vivek was thrilled. As is custom, he asked his parents to meet with her parents prior to proposing.

After the meeting, his parents gave him terrible news – they decided that the woman was unfit to marry their son. Vivek was extremely upset, and decided that he would go against his parent's wishes, and marry the woman anyway. So he proposed and she accepted, and then he flew to India, and married his bride. When they returned, my friend couldn't find them anywhere. It's customary to throw a huge welcoming/marriage party, and the newlyweds had disappeared! A couple of weeks went by when my friend saw them in a nearby temple. When he saw Vivek's new wife, he immediately understood the problem – the man's wife had a very dark complexion. The man was ashamed, and went into hiding.

The Indian developer telling me this story laughed and said, Now I know when I get married to see the girl in person first!

My name is The Youngest, and I approve of my racially and culturally insensitive captions.
The presidential "Town Hall" debate tonight was in Tennessee. If you were watching it, you damn well were wondering how the lunatic white lady with the crazy eyes (see below) found herself sitting in the small crowd, looking confused and menacing. I half expected her to start yelling and gesticulating wildly in the middle of an answer from, as McCain called him, "That one," (Obama).