Senator Bill Frist is a Big Fat Idiot

Monday's drive in to work was one of those king-hell commutes. When I got in line at the 5 minute stop light, which I work into the commute time, I realized that I was about four times further away from the light than I usually was.

4x5 = a 20 minute stoplight

Frustrated, I grabbed a cigarette...only to realize that I had only two more remaining. Buying a pack of smokes takes five minutes.

25 minutes late= phone call notifying boss-man

I called and continued onward...finishing my last cigarette as I pulled into the Walgreen's parking lot. I asked for a Camel Light hardpack and handed over my Visa Check Card.

"I'm sorry, your card isn't going through...I'm going to have to..."

"Run it again," I demanded, "that card is hooked up to my checking account, my credit is valid, run it again!"

The man did as instructed, solemnly waiting for the same rejection message.

"Sir, it's not going through, I'm going to have to keep your..."

I snatched my card quickly out of his hand and darted out of the store and into my minivan.

Fuck! how am I going to make it through the day without cash, food, and smokes!

I continued on my drive in to work. Quickly realizing that I needed to phone my bank, I called in and was told that my card was on hold due to.....fraud detection...will I hold to transfer....OK...pulled a U-turn and headed back towards Walgreens.

"At least this should be fast," I thought.

I racked my brain trying to think of any big purchases or travel that would have set off the alarms. Nothing came to mind."Hello Mr. Youngest, the reason your card has been placed on hold is...do you gamble at online gaming sites?"

Panic.

Oh Fuck no! Not today! Not Monday! Why would they stop letting me use my card now! Can they legally seize my money? Oh lord, no! How am I going to eat!

My mind quickly recalled the previous night. I had a bottle of whiskey and was testing my luck, multi-tabling in expensive tournaments. Towards the end of the night, my poker account ended up at $0.37. I tried to deposit more money and was denied for the first time ever. That didn't stop me from trying 5 more times, though. 5 more times on each of the five major online poker websites. I was denied no fewer than twenty-five times.

"Mr. Youngest? Are you there?"

If I deny it, I'm also confirming that someone is placing fraudulent charges.

"Yeah, umm, occasionally."

"It shows here that you made several recent attempts to deposit money at a variety of online gambling sites?"

**silence**

"Well then, Mr. Youngest, I need to inform you that we do not allow deposits to any online gaming websites. Ultimate Bet. Full Tilt. We do not allow deposits to any of them."

"Mmhmm."

"OK, I'm going to go ahead and lift the hold on your card then."

"Great! Can I use it, like, immediately? I need to buy something," I said as I walked back into Walgreens, pointing at the pack of Camels.

"Yes sir, you should be all set. You do understand that you will not be able to make any more deposits to these websites in the future?"

"Uh huh"

Relieved, I grabbed my smokes and huffed down one more on the last leg of my drive, heading into the office at 8:55.

Phew

It was a relief to have my purchasing power back in my wallet again. My favorite American hobby, though, was being threatened by whatever dirty republicans at my bank were in league with Bill Frist. No republican ever stopped this resourceful googler, though, and after a few more failed attempts at third party credit card processing companies I returned to Walgreens today.

"Hi, could I get a Camel Light hardpack...and one of those $100 Visa Gift Cards."

"That'll be $108."

I handed her my Visa Check Card. She then gave me a $100 Visa Gift Card with no name and no address connected to it. Somehow this is legal to use at all major online poker sites.
So in the end I got what I wanted. Money to gamble with...$100 that will offer more thrills than TV, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, Command & Conquer, HDTV, and a quart of whiskey could give me...combined.

So fuck you, Bill Frist! You and your feet-fucking republicans can't hold down the Little Bastard!