Top Ten Events From My Week In Chicago
10) Received instructions from the Old Man regarding what to do in the event of his untimely death.
9) Discovered a haiku written on a small notebook in the Old Man's car. Poetic and sad.
You must Ruthlessly
eliminate Hurry
from your life
8) Rolled around on the imported sands of Lake Michigan for engagement photos. The photog was a hip urbanite who insisted on poses in which I can only describe as "bad touch." Several times she lifted her face away from the camera, exasperated. I was hopelessly white and stiff and passionless and uncoachable. She asked us to lay on top of each other on the beach. I went along with it, but it felt wrong to have a rush of blood flow down under for a photograph my family might be purchasing, and hanging on a wall somewhere. She said "Look at her!" "Smile!" But all I could think was "Does the Photoshop 'smudge' feature work for erections?" Actual photo below:
6) Drank too much with Master P and felt my whole body ache with pain the next day. I couldn't shake the hangover, and felt sluggish for most of the week, combined with congestion from allergies. It was only when the Youngest became afflicted with a similar set of symptoms that I realized I was sick, and had passed it on to him. It's like in the end of Fight Club when all the odd things during the course of the movie fall into place. It was similarly gratifying, particularly because I was all but recovered.
5) Attended wedding for my future sister-in-law and was called an "asshole" by the father of the bride in his speech. I'm sure I had it coming.
4) After aforementioned wedding, helped father of the bride stuff a centerpiece of flowers into a garbage can while the woman were distracted, to avoid an already over-stuffed minivan from bottoming out on the ride home. Asshole, indeed!
3) After aforementioned flower stuffing, nearly was beaten on the side of the highway by two local thugs, armed with makeshift weapons. Granted, it was 3am, I was wasted, and still wearing my tux, but I never expected to encounter highwaymen in this day and age on a quarter-mile walk to a gas station from my hotel. It was a good object lesson for anyone - if you're too drunk to be scared, local thugs might leave you alone.
2) Fought with the Youngest over his computer qualifications. I spent about 12 hours trying to install a foolproof backup system for the Old Man's work computers. In doing so, one of the computers was unable to boot properly. I spent more time fixing almost all subsequent problems and asked the Youngest for help. "I don't know anything about computers," this from a member of Generation Y who grew up phishing for credit cards on AOL and achieving a stable Windows 95 beta build on his x386. Little fucking bastard!
1) Bribed the Youngest's cat with treats...to sit on my lap and purr...which feels amazing!
10) Received instructions from the Old Man regarding what to do in the event of his untimely death.
9) Discovered a haiku written on a small notebook in the Old Man's car. Poetic and sad.
You must Ruthlessly
eliminate Hurry
from your life
8) Rolled around on the imported sands of Lake Michigan for engagement photos. The photog was a hip urbanite who insisted on poses in which I can only describe as "bad touch." Several times she lifted her face away from the camera, exasperated. I was hopelessly white and stiff and passionless and uncoachable. She asked us to lay on top of each other on the beach. I went along with it, but it felt wrong to have a rush of blood flow down under for a photograph my family might be purchasing, and hanging on a wall somewhere. She said "Look at her!" "Smile!" But all I could think was "Does the Photoshop 'smudge' feature work for erections?" Actual photo below:
6) Drank too much with Master P and felt my whole body ache with pain the next day. I couldn't shake the hangover, and felt sluggish for most of the week, combined with congestion from allergies. It was only when the Youngest became afflicted with a similar set of symptoms that I realized I was sick, and had passed it on to him. It's like in the end of Fight Club when all the odd things during the course of the movie fall into place. It was similarly gratifying, particularly because I was all but recovered.
5) Attended wedding for my future sister-in-law and was called an "asshole" by the father of the bride in his speech. I'm sure I had it coming.
4) After aforementioned wedding, helped father of the bride stuff a centerpiece of flowers into a garbage can while the woman were distracted, to avoid an already over-stuffed minivan from bottoming out on the ride home. Asshole, indeed!
3) After aforementioned flower stuffing, nearly was beaten on the side of the highway by two local thugs, armed with makeshift weapons. Granted, it was 3am, I was wasted, and still wearing my tux, but I never expected to encounter highwaymen in this day and age on a quarter-mile walk to a gas station from my hotel. It was a good object lesson for anyone - if you're too drunk to be scared, local thugs might leave you alone.
2) Fought with the Youngest over his computer qualifications. I spent about 12 hours trying to install a foolproof backup system for the Old Man's work computers. In doing so, one of the computers was unable to boot properly. I spent more time fixing almost all subsequent problems and asked the Youngest for help. "I don't know anything about computers," this from a member of Generation Y who grew up phishing for credit cards on AOL and achieving a stable Windows 95 beta build on his x386. Little fucking bastard!
1) Bribed the Youngest's cat with treats...to sit on my lap and purr...which feels amazing!
Labels: Father, fight club, Haiku, Highwaymen, Old Man, wedding, Youngest
posted by Mezz0 at 10:35 AM
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