Don't Judge Me, Asshole



Last night, I had the apartment to myself, and was unburdened by my moral anchor who was in Arizona for the weekend. It was a night of pernicious excess, and a morning of regret. My Carl's Jr. two-for-one six-dollar burger coupon was about to expire, and the local grocer was running a two-for-one on Little Penguin. Two-for-one + two-for-one = an upset digestive system and a rotten hangover. Why did I uncork that second bottle? Why did I scarf down that second, obscenely large hamburger? To answer these questions, I turn to poetry.

Vegetable Oil Tears - A Haiku

Little Penguin Cabs
and two, six-dollar burgers
I’m a fucking pig