Youngest,
I too, in the spirit of youthful exuberance and contempt for the government, ignored my state taxes in 2000 only to have the US Phallus shoved so far up my ass it was red, white, and blue for weeks. I too was contacted years later and extorted for fines, and interest on fines.
"How do you get such wonderful interest rates?” I wrote on a post it note along with my check to the IRS. I didn’t receive a response, which was more insulting than the 20% APR they charged me.
I thought I learned my lesson, but this year’s tax burden was a total donkey punch. I have yet to meet my accountant face to face, but he strikes me as the kind of guy I would love to have a beer with, assuming I was dying and for some reason beer was the antidote.
“There’s gonna be some additional liabilities,” he told me today, in a voice mail. This made my lower stomach contract. I thought I was playing it safe. Rather than accurately calculating my quarterly taxes, I just made a ballpark estimate, and then raised the amount by 15% so I would get a healthy refund. I immediately returned his call.
“You didn’t pay estimated state taxes, did you?” he asked.
“Fuck,” was all I could say. This would be taking me one giant leap away from the dream of a private island and monkey butler. My lower lip quivered. The little girl inside of me threatened to take over. This just wasn’t FAIR!
His tone reminded me of my dentist, upon not seeing a dentist in more than five years. This is right fucking mess, he seemed to suggest, but it can be fixed. Sure it could be fixed, but at what cost? My head was swimming. I hadn’t paid state taxes. I miscalculated Federal taxes. Fines, etc. Thousands upon thousands of dollars.
"Can I write off the lube?” I asked, “Will that make a difference?”
“What?” he responded.
“For this ass fucking – can I write off the lube?”
“Ummm – heh heh – I don’t think so.”
I hung up, went to the grocery store, and bought a plastic, economy-sized bottle of dirt-cheap vodka. It was time to batten down the hatches, downgrade the Netflix subscription, swear of sushi, reuse tin foil, and double stuff the washing machine. I started working on my resume. I diluted the shampoo with water. I attempted to channel my energies into something productive while waiting for the final tally, ignoring my ass, which tingled in horrible anticipation.
Labels: Ass Fucking, Dirt Cheap Vodka, Estimated Taxes, Income Tax, IRS, Lube, Mezzo
posted by Mezz0 at 12:04 PM
1 Comments:
Comments between Youngest and Mezz0 moved here:
Youngest:
post edited to replace weak clip art image, added movie quote
Mezz0:
Personally, I think wasting some of the best quotes in any movie evar (and a kick ass movie image) on a mediocre post is a bad idea, but, you know, whatever. Post re-re-edited so that the movie quotes are short enough to be readable. And fuck you, I like clip art. And fuck you, this isn't my post anymore. I take no responsibility. Don't mind me, I'm going to buy a couple of 9mm glocks and see what happens. You caused me to this.
Youngest:
kick ass movie quote and picture removed in place of a more suitable image for the quality of the post.
Mezz0:
Insulting image removed. I'm starting to get really, really angry.
Youngest:
What? Your post is all about taking it up the ass. And what of this terrorist down below? You do realize that this is a new breed of Asian-Muslims, a much bigger threat to Our Way Of Life than those undereducated, run of the mill middle eastern Muslims. We know this because, had he attacked on 4/20, he would have been following in the tradition of Columbine and celebrating Hitler's birth. Clearly, his decision to go ape shit on 4/16 means something. It means that this is terrorist activity and that he is most likely part of a sleeper cell. I say bring out the WWII detention centers, wheel in the metal detectors and tell the pot heads that they may need to choose a different day to demonstrate their devotion to marijuana.
Mezz0:
Someone at JuJitsu tonight suggested that the students killed were most likely studying something that the government found threatening, and so they sent in the Chinaman to do away them. He supported his argument with the time lapse in between the first and second set of killings. I furthered his theory by pointing out that one of the classes in which virtually everyone was massacred was "Introduction to German." We all remember WWII, but only the government would bide their time for sixty years waiting for the opportunity to slay US citizens who dared study the language of the Nazis. This really is the kind of thing that the comments section was made for, you fucking idiot.
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