A Critics Guide to Christmas, 2008: It's a Wonderful Life?


The Curious Case of Benjaman Button: Not only was this movie terrible, there was limited Pitt nudity.

1/2 Star (for a glimpse of Brad Pitt's bare back)

Grand Terino: This was a (*ahem*) vehicle for Clint Eastwood, who I desperately wish was my own father.

4 Stars

Chicagoland Area Weather: Negative seven without wind-chill my second day of “vacation.” People choose to live here? Take your white Christmas and shove it up your ass.

0 Stars

Chicagoland Area Friends of the Family: Didn’t recognize my brother-in-law and I after shlepping Christmas cookies across town with six inches of fresh snow on the ground. Bonus: Didn’t invite us in out of the cold. Way to donkey-punch my Christmas spirit. If the door wasn't opened just a crack, I'd throw my shoe at you.

0 Stars

Gifts: Nothing really wowed me, and when it comes to Christmas gifts, I really want to be wowed.

1 1/2 Stars

Family: I can take or leave most of them

2 1/2 Stars

Friends: Ditto

2 1/2 Stars

Steak ‘n Shake: Open 24 hours, closed on Christmas, I can’t has cheeseburger?

0 Stars

Imo’s Pizza: So this is where the Christmas joy was hiding.

4 Stars

Those Oblivious to Ric Rolling: Who is pwned if they don’t get it, and at this point probably never will? The year is almost over, and the cool-points have to be tallied.

? Stars

The Youngest and My performance in super competitive floor hockey game with cousin-in-law: We didn’t vomit all over the YMCA floor…That was our highlight.

1 Sad Panda

TSA: You guys getting a bonus for treating people with dignity, respect over the holiday season? I’m a little disappointing there was no frisking.

3 Stars (you've got a lot of ground to make up)

Old Jiu Jitsu Instructor: Knee-bar from reverse sit out side control – teh prodigious talent!

3 Stars (a little humility would go a long way)