Ass Pennies

I interviewed with a health care company today that specializes in disease management/addiction recovery. I consider myself a “gonzo” business analyst, and to better understand the client population I might be developing software to support, I enjoyed a few snifters prior to my interview. After years of battling anxiety, the alcohol flowing through my bloodstream would effectively serve as my “ass pennies.”

Would my interviewers recognize that I was half in the bag? Or would they respond well to this “spirited” fellow with ruddy cheeks? If I sensed they were oblivious to my inebriation, they would be handling my ass pennies, and I would have the upper hand.

I interviewed with five people. First, the tech lead, who was a diminutive Indian man not really in the mood to chit chat, or interview, or be around other people, so our meeting was nice and short. I have a feeling he will be making his recommendation based entirely on the resumes. Fair enough, V1veek. You won the game by not playing it.




Health Care Company: 1 Mezz0: 0

I handed the second man, a VP of something-or-other, my resume as he was way too important to click File --> Print. He dropped it on the table like it was packet of Penny Saver coupons, and asked with a funny accent, “Why don’t you tell me what is on this?” I immediately relaxed. The poor man couldn’t read, or couldn’t read English anyway. Advantage: Mezz0.

He let me ramble on without showing any signs of comprehension. Then he asked me specific examples of documentation, which I gave him, using hand gestures to animate deriving business requirements from business process flows. Then he asked me to explain to him what I understood my position to be responsible for, misheard my response, and proceeded to correct me.

Throughout the interview, I was trying to place his accent . Then I realized it was the voice of the man from the cab in the Kid’s in the Hall movie “Brain Candy.” Whenever he spoke, it sounded like he was saying, “It’s made from monkey-cum. The drug. It’s made from monkey-cum,” which was even funnier because Brain Candy is about the pharmaceutical industry, and I was interviewing in a disease mana….Forget it, you had to have been there.

Sah1d very well may have taken my ass pennies, invested them in an exotic financial derivative, and used the proceeds to like, have me tortured and killed in a Turkish prison.


Health Care Company: 2 Mezz0: 0

I was then escorted to the neighboring building where I met with two members of the medical team, a doctor of psychology (dude) and Rn (chick) both with clinical backgrounds in addiction treatment. If anyone would be able to suspect that they were handling my ass pennies, it would be them.

They clearly had no background in software development, and were just looking for some soft skills or a pulse or something. I sensed they were a little embarrassed to be interviewing me in the first place, so I gave them a brief background of my career, explained my methodology for business analysis, and chatted about Ireland (the semester abroad, noted on my resume, finally paid off) and the tragic inability for technical people to communicate effectively with clinicians. We had a nice little conversation. The Rn was wearing a skirt, and repeatedly crossed and uncrossed her legs, then made a Freudian slip when I left saying “herpes” instead of, well I’ll be damned if I knew what she was trying to say. Regardless, her hands were filthy with my ass pennies.



Health Care Company: 2 Mezz0: 2

I was escorted back to the original building and interviewed with a very high energy HR guy who had a background in corporate recruiting. My buzz was starting to wear off, and I was losing my edge. Using the exact same language I used for most of the day, I explained to him three qualities that a good business analyst should have, and then I told him how happy I was to be interviewing at a company that took Human Resources seriously, without a trace of irony in my voice. He was from Cincinnati, and I told him how much I loved those mid-sized cities like Minneapolis, St. Louis, but couldn’t stand the Midwest weather.

Just before leaving, he said, “I can spot good Midwestern people from a mile away. There’s one guy left to interview, but just so you know, unless this last guy can walk on water, I’m recommending you as number one.” We shook hands, his encrusted with ass pennies.



Health Care Company: 2 Mezz0: 3

My last interview was with a very tired project manager. He looked exhausted, and somewhat disinterested, and had browser windows open to Yahoo! and ESPN. He would be the perfect pm. I get the impression that he is looking to leave the company. He went through the motions of explaining to me the software, and told me that the people I interviewed with would most likely contribute most to the hiring decision. His apathy was no match for my ass pennies.



Health Care Company: 2 Mezz0: 4

Jeff Probst would tell me I have a one in four chance of winning employment at a small and growing health care company with amazing benefits. The place sounded like a chaotic madhouse, and the position I interviewed for was described several times as "highly visible," but if this interview proved anything, my anxiety has finally cleared up as long as I stay away from caffeine, and keep circulating ass pennies in the local economy.