The Best of All Possible Worlds

I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of documentation at work these days, and do not feel like writing in my spare time. Furthermore, I don’t have a lot to say. I am boring myself writing this sentence. I feel as though I’ve been on the leading edge of contemporary thought for years now, and it’s just so fucking exhausting. I’ve lost my passion for furthering the discourse of the intelligentsia, and am sick of seeing misquotes of misquotes make it to press sans credit. I’ll let George Will and Arianna Huffington battle it out, and will no longer accept last minute interview requests from NPR the next time there is some desperate international situation. The world will just have to get by without my cogent insights and incisive political analysis. After experiencing the pinnacle of blogging, I am officially semi-retired, and will only post every few weeks or so when I need to expectorate some nonsense for all my bottom-feeding readers.

Speaking of which, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that, aside from one or two exceptions, you, dear readers, are not really doing it for me. That’s right, I said it. I didn’t, and will not miss you at all. I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not. The emperor has no clothes, and he is wagging his penis at you.

I’ve been asked hundreds of times what I’ve been doing in my time off, and apart from investigating why U.S. Americans are saying “Really?” in mock disbelief in record numbers, delving into the rash of kissy-face photos that keep cropping up on Facebook, and obsessing over Justin Bieber, I have been preparing for the looming, massive inflationary crisis about to hit my beloved country, and tending to my patio garden.

Dwarf 2-3 Year Old Grapefruit Tree

 Dwarf 1 Year Old Lemon Tree

Container Tomatoes & Seedlings

It’s my personal opinion that precious metals, normally a safe haven for a once-in-a-generation increase in prices, may, like using miracle-gro on your container tomatoes, be the obvious choice, but not the best choice. I believe we need to throw conventional wisdom aside, stop using traditional fertilizer, and start using fertilizer bombs (metaphorically speaking) to deal with this looming threat that is the flood of M3 monies flowing into the financial system. Indeed, we will reap what we sow, and I’m not talking about delicious dwarf grapefruit due to ripen this Fall, rather, I am talking (again, in metaphor), of running bamboo, planted by the previous owner, that will threaten the foundation of your house, or at the very least, require the repaving of your driveway every few years. If we can’t trust a fellow citizen not to destroy his own property by planting an invasive and insidious foreign flora, how can we trust that a charming community organizer will not continue to pull the levers of our economy with the reckless abandon of a child with a Hasbro toy?

It is time to invest in agriculture ETFs, for we must, as investors concerned about the inevitable collapse (in real value) of our 401ks, follow the advice of Candide (excerpted from Candide, 1759, by Voltaire):

"Neither need you tell me," said Candide, "that we must take care of our garden."

"You are in the right," said Pangloss; "for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it; and this proves that man was not born to be idle."

"Work then without disputing," said Martin; "it is the only way to render life supportable."

The little society, one and all, entered into this laudable design and set themselves to exert their different talents. The little piece of ground yielded them a plentiful crop. Cunegund indeed was very ugly, but she became an excellent hand at pastrywork… Pangloss used now and then to say to Candide:

"There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts."

"Excellently observed," answered Candide; "but let us cultivate our garden, and more importantly, invest in exchange traded ag funds."