It's Practically Legal!

After my aforementioned series of interviews, I was offered a job. My headhunter negotiated on my behalf, and was understandably more enthusiastic than I was when I accepted (she probably personally made 10% of my annual salary in one quick pop).

"There is, just so you know, a drug test…So…Do you smoke pot?” she asked quickly, as though I was about to snatch a winning lottery ticket out of her hand. There was a pregnant pause, third trimester.

"Noooooooooooo." I said, my voice lilting down as I touched my nose. I was suddenly and painfully aware of my lower stomach, about three inches below my navel. Buddhists say this is where your Chi resides. If this is true, someone or something was donkey punching my Chi.

"OK. Well if..Because if you did, I would just tell you to buy some Goldenseal at GNC beforehand.”

When exactly was my last dance with Mary Jane? I walked backwards in my mind until I hit a fuzzy patch that occurred roughly twenty minutes after I returned home from my interviews. After such a stressful couple of hours, there was just one way to wind down properly. To wind down completely. So I invited Bob Hope over for a little fun. Oh we had fun all right. I had saved up “Trailer Park Boys – The Movie” for such an occasion. Yes, we had fun, but Bob Hope always leaves without picking up the tab.

I hung up with my headhunter, and called every hep cat I knew, and asked them to drop me some science on passing drug tests. With my cellio pressed to me ear, elbow pointing out, I listened to several people say, “Duuuuuuude…that suuuuuuuuuuucks!” I drove to Trader Joes and purchased several gallons of pure cranberry juice (not from concentrate), two cases of bottled water, and three-dozen grapefruit. Next, I marched into GNC, made eye contact with the clerk, and with no time to spare said, “I’ve got to pass a drug test.”



From her reaction, I might as well have been heroin thin, pale, and had track marks covering my entire body and face. I wanted to say, "This is California! Don't judge me! It’s practically legal!”

She pointed me towards the Goldenseal, and with great contempt, rang up my order. When I arrived back at home, I immediately scoured the Internet for some good, solid information. Within an hour or two, I hit jackpot. A forum moderated by two former lab techs in a drug testing agency.

So you want to pass your drug test?


Interesting facts:

• “Cleansing the system” by drinking water days before your drug test does absolutely nothing.
  
• Exercising the day of your drug test does more harm than good.
  
• Goldenseal is worthless, and is a known “masking agent” which makes you look guilty, of either drug use or homeopathy.
  
• Anything you can buy at a head shop is probably a bad idea. At best, they will use the correct techniques outlined below improperly, at worst they will trigger a masking agent.

All you have to do is the following

1. Drink 8 oz of fluid (Mix in some diuretics like cranberry juice, coffee, etc.) every 15 minutes for three hours prior to you test.
   
2. Approximately 45 minutes before your test, down roughly 2000% the FDA daily recommended amount of vitamin B2.
   
   (This is surprisingly hard to find in local stores, unless in the form of a multi-vitamin, which is fine, but has other B-vitamins that in high doses causes panic and panic prone individuals. If you have time, it's easy enough to order online.)

Optional - More Than 48 Hours Prior To Test:

• Take daily creatine supplements, preferably the powdered kind. (Creatine takes between 24-48 hours to metabolize, so you can taper off when you get to T-24 hours)
  
• Exercise vigorously daily - Your goal is to drop some fat, which is where the THC canniboids are stored, so ideally you will be doing low intensity, long workouts like walking at an incline for 60 minutes at a time.
  
• Eat a low fight, high fiber diet

Optional - Less Than 48 Hours Prior To Test:

• Eat high quantities of red meat and/or salmon and/or tuna. Now your goal is to gain some fat to dilute the ratio of fat to THC canniboids.
  
• On the day of the test, your goal is to completely dilute your urine. The labs may be onto you that you are attempting to dilute, and there are two main tests for dilution – color and creatine levels. The color is taken care of by the Vit B-2. The creatine is taken care of by supplements, and the red meat and fish.
  
• Four aspirin an hour three hours before your test may fool some old tests, and will not do any harm
  
  
  During the test, make sure you are alone in the bathroom. If an attendant attempts to look over your shoulder, say something to embarrass him like, “You’re not going to stand there and fucking watch me piss, are you?”
  
  Alternatively, you can say, “Do you mind holding him steady while I position the cup? Don’t be shy. I call him, ‘Curtis.’”
  
  
  
  Either way, once you have some privacy, pull out your Whizzinator and go to….Just kidding, comon’, we worked hard for this!
  
  Once in the bathroom, just make sure you don’t “donate” the beginning or end of your urine stream. That’s the part filled with nasties, but probably not even because your urine is 95% water at this point, which is why you were trying to be cool in the waiting room while you were having flash backs of a bus in Ireland that had to have made a wrong turn because the Foggy Dew pub closed, like, 4 hours ago, and if the B&B is not seriously right around the corner, something really bad is going to happen, and something really bad probably already has happened in the sense of permanent damage because how much can a bladder take without rupturing or something, and this neighborhood is looking suspiciously Protestant and oh no! Oh no! DON’T LOOK AT ME!
  
  If the color and/or creatine doesn't fool the folks at the lab, they will mark your sample "Delute" and then it's up to your company whether or not they want to retest you. Word on the street is that a lot of blue collar jobs will retest you, a lot of white collar jobs will not.
  
  I highly suggest experimenting prior to the test. Achieving a yellow color that looks like urine is more of an art than a science. Speaking personally, by the time I strutted out of the bathroom after having done my bid-ness, I had achieved a yellow to rival Claude Fucking Monet. I nearly wept as I watched myself pass water. The color was a work of genius. I didn’t want to flush it away, but I also didn’t want to arouse suspicion, so I took a picture on my camera phone, and flushed my precious into the Pacific.
  
  
  
  I handed my cup to the monitor who held it up to the light. He looked at me. I looked at him. A moment passed between us. Clearly, my sublime urine triggered something transformational inside of him. He would, no doubt, take up Urophagia, and wander the world, keep on searching for urine of gold.
  
  I never received a response, either positive or negative, but I just received my first pay check and health insurance cards, so I think I can safely say that I passed the test. So tonight it’s time to screw in the black light, play some Grateful Dead, and see if Bob Hope is down to hang out. It's his turn to buy.