From The Sound of It, I Think It Was #2...or Cataloging a Trip
(before I forget everything)
(didn't take time to optimize the funny)
(This was all written several weeks ago)

This probably isn't going to work, it's not often that I succeed in being funny or entertaining when I set out to do so…but what can I say? I am a clown and feel like I am here to entertain you. Also, I'm especially bad at not talking about poker after recently returning from a poker vacation--and half-assed poker entries seem to have taken up the majority of my posts lately.

Mezz0, God bless his soul, used up some frequent flier miles and flew out a few hours before I arrived in Las Vegas several weekends ago. I ended up spending most of my flight studying a former FBI agent's book of poker tells and trying to figure out the relationship between an attractive 16 year old Mexican girl, the obese, slobby 40 year old lady sitting next to her, and a white baby that was old enough to wave at me but not old enough to speak. Or maybe she was old enough to speak…but she became petrified after I glared at her for interrupting my book by waving her dirty baby hand in my direction.

I couldn't figure them out, and what made things more difficult for me was that the Mexican girl kept saying really bizarre things--the kind of things that would be more likely to come from a strung-out meth freak than from a cute little (she might have been 18) Mexican (or Cuban) girl with an accent…

















"Chu know what I'd like to see right now? I'd like to see dis plane flip over and fly upside down."

(ok, maybe she was closer to 15 years old)

"Where did you go to school?"
-muffled mumbling from the 40ish woman-
"Chu know I graduated college? I went to Haaarvard. Chu know I graduated Harvard?" I graduated from Harvard"

(20…maybe?)

*groan* "I can't wait to get back home! (to Las Vegas) I am going to party tonight! (to older woman) Chu wanna go out and party tonight?"

"Nah, I'm not really going out tonight, but tomorrow…I'll be going out tomorrow."

(18, must be 18)

(to older woman)"I don't know why I paid for you to fly out here."

(???)

"Chu know what chu are to me…you a cock-a-roach, main."

The whole situation was entirely too confusing. I tried utilizing some of the advice I was reading about in the book of tells but I failed miserably. At times I thought that the older woman was a schizophrenic baby abductor. At times I thought that the Mexican girl had never met the older lady before boarding that plane. I should also mention that I was drinking heavily and may have misheard a thing or two. It was a goofy situation and it put me in a strange and nervous mood when I arrived in the City of Dreams.

















After I entered the Imperial Palace I quickly found Mezz0 playing at the $2/$4 limit table. I registered at the hotel lobby, got my room key, and we settled into our rooms before heading over to Bally's to play some $3/$6 limit--primarily so Mezz0 and I could sit at the same table.

The drinks came slowly and we had a vulgar, stoned Persian sitting next to us. The bastard wouldn't stop talking into Mezz0's ear. Meanwhile I managed to get up +$100. Then the poker room traffic slowed down, the drinks started coming faster, the Persian left, and half the table was replaced by middle-aged, slightly lesbianish, woman from the east coast who knew each other on varying levels of intimacy. I slowly pissed away my money as I grew more inebriated and angry at the East Coasters…and I'm pretty sure that I managed to say some offensive things to the ladies...but I was far too drunk to remember any of my antics. I'm sure that I showed a bluff or two and all I can remember is the lesbians scowling at me and referring to me as "That drunk kid at the end of the table". Eventually I busted and waited for Mezz0 to finish an orbit--I think he ended up winning a little money--and we headed over to the roulette tables. Mezz0 watched as I taught my brilliant system to him. I looked even smarter when I ended up +$120, cancelling out the $100 that I lost at the limit poker table.


<--- The only lesbian sex act available, scissoring.






As we walked back to the Imperial Palace "Tea House" diner, dodging morning joggers, I explained my contentedness in the face of defeat at the poker table, "Yeah, I may have lost $100 at the poker table…but did you consider how much money I earned in drinks? I'm pretty fucking sure that I made a new enemy or two as well."

We entered the Tea House and returned an unfriendly host's disapproving shake of the head with a mean, dirty, drunken stare. I was a little bit embarrassed to be at this stage of drunkenness after sunrise and began pitying the poor employees who were going to have to deal with us for the next hour. I felt more comfortable after entering the restaurant and spotted a man and a woman passed out in a booth across the room...and I mean, fucking dead-cold passed out. The man was sleeping with his feet against the wall and half of his torso hanging off the end of the booth, the back of his hand was dangling on the filthy carpet. His girlfriend was passed out with her head/back leaning at a grotesque angle against the wall and over the table, feet propped up on the seat.

Mezz0 and I took our seats and I spotted a different booth behind him with two girls wearing slinky night-out-at-the-club dresses. One was passed out with her head on the table, drooling. Her friend was trying to stay awake, but every minute or two she would briefly slip into sleep. Her head would drop down lower and lower, and then, suddenly, she'd jolt back into consciousness and look around the Tea House wearily to see if anyone noticed.

We noticed. Every time. And we laughed at her.

Eventually, the cops came in to rouse the passed out couple. They half-heartedly tapped the man on the foot until he woke up, assessed the situation, and began attempting to wake his companion. The woman didn't seem to be responding to any of her boyfriend's attempts to wake her for at least 5 minutes. Apparently he was concerned with getting charged with battery because, moments after turning to the cops and shrugging his shoulders, he grabbed his woman by the shoulders and shook her violently, banging her head against the wall.

She quickly stood up, looked confused, and rubbed her eyes with the innocence of a child. I thought that it was an adorable scene until they stumbled out, foodless, and I could see that they were both at least 40 years old.

Fucking degenerates.

The next afternoon, Mezz0 and I lounged poolside and soaked in the desert heat with a bucket full of cheap domestic beers. Mezz0 wanted a strawberry and banana daiquiri but, apparently, was too much of a man to ask for one when I took his order. He was not too much of a man, however, to complain that I didn't bring him a strawberry and banana daiquiri, with an umbrella, when I returned with manly American beers.






<--The pussy shit that makes Mezz0 the half-man that he is










We spent the rest of the day checking out the WSOP, spotting poker celebrities, trying to beat video poker, and testing out my roulette strategy at various casinos. I was in a fine gambling mood and suspected, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I should start reigning myself in...especially after I threw $20 into a $1/hand video poker machine and played max credits, $5, and watched $20 disappear in about 40 seconds.

Mezz0 seemed to be enjoying my careless disregard of money and encouraged me to go to the Gold Coast Casino with him so I could try to win my money back in roulette (for future reference, they have $1/game bowling after 12:00 or 1:00am or something). I obliged and quickly disposed of $120. I took a seat next to the wheel, away from the felt, and watched Mezz0 work the table. He did well and I nodded approval, occasionally interjecting to convince him to make increasingly risky plays. The dealer was entertaining us and the waitress didn't seem to mind bringing me drinks even though I wasn't playing...plus we got in on one of the greatest secrets of Las Vegas: The Gold Coast waitresses will bring you a free pack of cigarettes with your free drink. If you wink and goose one of the aging beauties, they'll even bring a pack to the guy who isn't playing anymore.

We continued drinking into the night, eventually ending up at the MGM and my first NL cash table of the trip. I worked myself into a blind state of drunkenness and ended up winning +$400 by the time we called it quits. Memories are hazy for this entire night and only two things stick out.

The first table was fun until it hit 3:00am and a few loose players left. The table started playing extremely tight. Only 6 players were left at the table. The floor refused to break up our table and send us to other seats at the other tables until, on our third request, one of the players at our table was away from his seat.

"Where is this guy?" the floor asked

"I think he went to the bathroom," answered another player.

The floor manager looked around to see if he could spot him walking towards our table.

"From the sound of it," I commented helpfully, "I think it was #2."

I got a couple of laughs, or maybe just Mezz0 laughed. I looked up at the floor manager and smirked. The floor manager looked down at me with a look on his face that said "You classless, drunk, piece of shit asshole. If I wasn't working I would strangle you with my hands." He then proceeded to break up our table.












At the next table I got involved in a multiway pot holding what I thought was JQ suited. The board was x-9-10, I checked and there was a bet and two callers behind me, so I called with the open ended straight draw. Turn was a blank. There was another bet and two more callers, so I called once more. The river was a Q. I checked, suspecting someone at least had two pair. It checked around and some guy flipped his cards showing a low set, the other players mucked. I was in the process of saying, "I've just got a pair." and mucking my hand but I took one last look at my cards and saw that I had J-K offsuite, "Straight! I've got a straight!"

I don't remember anything after that. I assume that Mezz0 and I went back to the hotel during sunrise again. The next day Mezz0 left and I played my second NL cash session of the trip from about 10:30pm until 8:00am the next morning, leaving only because I had a 9:50 flight, and managing to pocket another cool +$960. The locals feared me. I busted two players. I used my improving "poker reads" and, yes, even showed off twice for Mezz0 the previous night, calling hands based on body language.












...but I still have no fucking idea what was up with that chick on the plane.