Surfing


[This] diversion is only intended as an amusement...at least they seem to feel a great pleasure in the motion which this Exercise gives.

Lieutenant James King 1779 (First white dude to watch the natives of Hawaii surf)


I'd been intending to learn to surf since arriving in Los Angeles, but everything has fallen into place only recently. It all started this winter when I began looking online for a surfboard. TNT, who is going through reverse culture shock on moving back to Minneapolis from San Diego, gave me “advice” by turning down every used board I liked that came up on Craigslist. He was particularly scornful of a “Jim Beam” surfboard, and impressed upon me that surfing was not a sport like golf, or an activity like fishing, but a lifestyle. One needs style to pursue a lifestyle, and since I obviously had none, he offered to help. Piece of advice #1: Stop asking him about surfboards that are clearly designed for women.

Some of our email communications over the last six months:

Mezz0: What do you think about epoxy “sticks” from both philosophical and pragmatic perspectives?

TNT: Dude – FU – No questions today (it’s below zero)

Mezz0: Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and value your input, and don't want to jeopardize your future evaluations of surfboards for sale on Craigslist, however, do you think maybe that subconsciously you don't want me to surf?

TNT: What are you looking for in a surfboard?

TNT: There's absolutely nothing wrong with the boards [you sent me yesterday] and you probably should have purchased one of them, but I just wanted to confirm that you didn't proceed without my approval.

After a few months of this, the stock market crumbled, and a new crop of boards flooded the market. I saw one I liked, and emailed it to TNT. Within minutes he replied:

TNT: I would go with this board for many, many reasons.

Mezz0: Thank you, why don’t you give me two reasons?

TNT: A leash is included and the board will right size your life – you’ll have to trust me on this one.

Mezz0(to surfboard owner five minutes later): I would like to buy your surfboard. Today, if possible.

I brought the board home, and admired it for five minutes prior to stashing it behind the couch. I think it’s got a South African flag on it. While waiting for it to warm up, I cruised Craigslist for a used wet suit, which is not a good idea. It’s sort of like buying used underwear. Used underwear that someone has pissed in……And that has a virtual Petri dish of germs and bacteria. I saw a wet suit for sale that I liked, and according to the seller it had only been used 30 times, but TNT dropped me some science on wet suit wear and tear, and encouraged me to respond.



Dear [Surfboard Seller],

Clearly, that wet suit has been used more than 30 times, and I am offended that you are trying to pass it off as practically new. Granted, I've only been surfing once in my life, and wouldn't really know what a wet suit should look like after 30 uses, but I have on good authority (from someone that used to live in San Diego) that you are looking to scam someone out of their hard earned dollars. For shame!

Sincerely,

Mezz0

* * *

Dear Mezz0,

I am selling the wetsuit for a friend and I take his word for granted.

Anyways, I am not sure on what grounds you are making these assumptions (global wear, fold.. ?), he is the second owner, so he had only the information from the previous owner. If you meant the fold on the suit, it is unfortunate, he folded it wrong, so it doesn't look as nice as before.

I know for sure that my friend wore it less than 20 times (surfing).

Be assured that I am not trying to scan anyone, neither is my friend.

Sincerely,

[Surfboard Seller]

* * *

So what you are saying is that you have no idea how much it has been used by either of the wetsuit’s two owners, but a friend of yours claims to have used it approximately 20 times…Fair enough….I’ll give you $40 for it (final offer).

-Mezz0

* * *

[Mezz0]

Not exactly. I know how many times my friend (second owner) used it, but there's no way how you can be certain if the previous owner was exact. If we exchange a few more emails you might offer a price that I might
accept..

- [Surfboard Seller]

* * *

Eventually, I gave up on finding a used wet suit, and bought one on sale at the surf shop down the block. I was locked and loaded. I was “dialed in.” I was “hooked up.” I even had a rack for my Jeep. What happens next, I can only describe as mystical, which is something you get used to after spending some time in the ocean chasing waves. My Jiu Jitsu buddy rented a place a block from Venice beach. This place had a garage. This place was a ten minute walk from the Venice beach point break. He was an intermediate surfer, looking to get back into it. Suddenly, I had a place to stash my surfboard and wet suit, a place to park, and a person to surf with. I was stoked! When he first invited me over to his apartment, and we took a walk down to the beach, I couldn't help but to say, "This is going to be so good for us!"

These Spring and Summer weekends have been more fun than a human being should be allowed to have:

• Take off from work a few hours early on Friday (or train MMA/Jiu Jitsu on Saturday)
• Ride the Dirty Whore in between traffic that is backing up against the coast
• Smoke a J
• Wax my stick and walk through muscle beach to the breakers
• High fives
• Surf (i.e. stand up on board all wobbly-like, fall off, and get pounded by the waves)

By the time the weekend has ended, I feel like I have been on a vacation, and all the stress in my life has evaporated. People love to brag about how much they hate Los Angeles, but this southern California lifestyle is really growing on me.