The Unabridged Triumvirate

2011-11-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

Prince of Persia - Orange Juice/Settling Scores/Steve Jobs

Orange Juice

Amir [1:37 PM]:
Have you ever heard about the moral fiber and the relationship with Orange juice in this video

Mezz0 [1:38 PM]:
Cute guy!

Amir [1:38 PM]:
Very cute, Word

Mezz0 [1:38 PM]:
I think the guy might be cuter than the woman. He has feminine features, doesn’t he?

Amir [1:39 PM]:
Does for sure. both good to have them in the bed

Mezz0 [1:39 PM]:
WTF are you talking about?

Amir [1:40 PM]:
remember you said we do not throw the person from our bed

Mezz0 [1:40 PM]:
Oh right

Mezz0 [1:40 PM]:
You mean you wouldn't kick them out of bed.

Amir [1:40 PM]:
Yes, you got it dude

Mezz0 [1:40 PM]:
I wouldn’t either. The real question is, with that hot guy, is the juice worth the squeeze, or will the juice get in your eye and/or up your nose?

Amir [1:41 PM]:
Booya Colonel – much worth the squeeze

Settling Scores

Amir [12:10 PM]:
suppose to be Directory/incoming/

Mezz0 [12:10 PM]:
So those assholes changed the directory structure without telling us? WTF!

Amir [12:11 PM]:
they add a subdir called incoming which confuse the hell of us

Mezz0 [12:11 PM]:
No shit

Amir [12:11 PM]:
yes shit

Mezz0 [12:11 PM]:
Do you want me to fly to Massachusetts and bash their fucking skulls inside out? You say the word. I will destroy them.

Amir [12:12 PM]:
shitcan them please if it is easy for you

Mezz0 [12:13 PM]:
I am dead serious. I've never liked people from the east coast, and have been looking for an excuse to do this type of thing for years.

Amir [12:14 PM]:
I know, but business is business brother

Mezz0 [12:14 PM]:
No goofing. How soon can you be ready to leave? I will need back up in case they are armed.

Amir [12:14 PM]:
Asap. just ping me. always ready to be backup for my bro

Mezz0 [12:14 PM]:
Do you have any martial arts/fighting skills? Can you shoot straight.

Amir [12:15 PM]:
I can learn it very fast. Trust me. I am Iranian.

Mezz0 [12:15 PM]:
At the very least, being from Iran, you should know how to plant explosives, right?

Amir [12:15 PM]:
we can even beat them with sticks, how about that?

Mezz0 [12:15 PM]:
I like the way you think.

Amir [12:15 PM]:
it will scare the hell of these guys, cause they are not use to it

Mezz0 [12:16 PM]:
There are no Iranians east of Sandusky, Ohio, I know this for a fact.

Amir [12:16 PM]:
I do not know much above these stuff, I give them some love the format can be sticks or something like that

Mezz0 [12:16 PM]:
Is that code for ass raping?

Amir [12:16 PM]:
you got it, you are esmart

Mezz0 [12:17 PM]:
Thumbs up, bro

Amir [12:17 PM]:
great chat, lets make a commitment. Signed with blood.

Mezz0 [12:17 PM]:
I'll meet you out front in twenty minutes. Don't forget to bring your toothbrush and a change of underwear.

Amir [12:17 PM]:
I copy that

Mezz0 [12:18 PM]:
This might be a one way trip, so I suggest you use your time to say your good bye's to your loved ones.

Amir [12:18 PM]:
I will text them

Mezz0 [12:18 PM]:
Good idea – save time.

Amir [12:18 PM]:
roger roger

Mezz0 [12:19 PM]:
Over and out, Captain

Amir [12:19 PM]:
over, inner and more inner Colonel Duke

Steve Jobs Death

Mezz0 [4:26 PM]:
Captain

Amir [4:26 PM]:
Roger, please call me Jobs if you don't mind

Amir [4:26 PM]:
just for today

Mezz0 [4:26 PM]:
Captain Jobs?

Amir [4:27 PM]:
throw it, what

Mezz0 [4:27 PM]:
You were just joking about not being attracted to me, right?

Amir [4:27 PM]:
no goofing otherwise, I will get behind you

Mezz0 [4:28 PM]:
I think I am asking a fair question.

Amir [4:28 PM]:
cause I am a guy

Mezz0 [4:28 PM]:
If I was a woman, would you find me attractive?

Mezz0 [4:28 PM]:
Same personality, but with a woman's body.

Amir [4:28 PM]:
if I was a you, and you were me, you can answer your question?

Mezz0 [4:28 PM]:
Yes, I can

Mezz0 [4:28 PM]:
If you were a woman, and I was single, I would date you.

Amir [4:29 PM]:
I do not have a imaginary mind when it comes to op. sex

Mezz0 [4:29 PM]:
OK

Amir [4:29 PM]:
I prefer real you know what I talking abut right

Mezz0 [4:38 PM]:
Copy that, Captain Jobs

Amir [4:38 PM]:
fo shizle my nizle?

Mezz0 [4:40 PM]:
Copy that, Captain Jobs. I will be honest, this was not the answer I was looking for, and might have to place a little call to the department of homeland security, if you catch my drift.

Amir [4:40 PM]:
Ok colonel, I will say your hot coz don’t make that call

Mezz0 [4:40 PM]:
Really?

Amir [4:40 PM]:
Yes sir 100%

Mezz0 [4:40 PM]:
Excellent.

2011-08-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Modded!
Fuck you Bill Gates and EA Games

2011-07-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Better Than Drugs

Whenever I take the time to grill, something magical happens. I'm not sure if it takes place during the cooking...the preperation...I don't know at what point some supernatural mixture of garlic and olive oil (or maybe onion?) combine to release the Almighty. I don't pretend to understand. All I do is grill like I know how to grill...but when the time comes to sit down and eat my creation, I experience a feeling that can only be described as Absolute Internal Satisfaction...and to say that this level of pleasure was formed by my hands alone would be foolish.

During the first few bites of the meal (be it a greasy cheeseburger or a delectable chicken breast), my perception will shift, as if the lights around me just got brighter, or a veil was being lifted off of my head. My vision seems wider and deeper. Time grinds to a halt as the food in front of me disappears. My pleasure seems timeless and limitless. As if the entire universe, the time that existed before the meal and the time that will come after it, was created just for me to experience the juicy wonder of this chicken breast and these perfectly roasted side items.

As one might expect, I overeat shamelessly during these meals. Unwilling to stop myself from experiencing wave after wave of pure, unadulterated ecstasy.

If God could grill the perfect chicken sandwich, custom-made just for me, it would be this.

And so it was.

Fresh corn-on-the-cob, red peppers, and tomatoes from my garden...marinated with garlic, dressing, some spices...a large store-bought onion. Chicken breasts marinated in a similar mixture, grilled and smothered in melted pepper jack cheese. A perfectly toasted sesame seed bun.

Fuck yeah.

This must be how Buddha's belly feels all the time.

2011-07-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

Day 5
Significant Shrinkage

Summa, summa, summa-time

2011-07-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

Day 4
Abort!

I lost about 1.5 tomatoes to mold or rot overnight (it got a little cool and humid) so I quickly discarded the bad ones and ushered the remainder into the oven. They've been slowly cooking at 170 degrees all day.

In retrospect, it probably was just rot and I could have left the rest of them outside to finish, but we're only expected to be around 70-75 degrees for the next few days...which is a little cooler than ideal.

Also, some of the tomatoes that I used were over-ripe and a few of the guides I read specifically advised against using over-ripe tomatoes because they tend to rot before finishing.

Anyway, these are staying in the oven until they're done. I'll try another batch outside when we have a few warmer days forecast.

This is the first red pepper that I have ever grown in my entire life.
Fuckin' take that mother nature!

2011-07-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Day 3
(near)

Day 2
(far)

I have never heard this dog bark or make any noise at all. He seems to radiate a quiet, Buddha-like wisdom and calm.

When he arrives at our back wall, he arrives silently...as if he was carried in by the breeze.

2011-07-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Day 2

...after about 5 hours of partly cloudy sun yesterday afternoon and two hours of sunshine this morning.

2011-07-12T14:12:00.001-07:00

Too Many Tomatoes

Good thing I like my tomatoes like I like my humor.

Dry.

Or maybe 'baked' is the right word.

Anyway, it will be cool if this actually works. I was getting ready devise a plan to sell these on craigs list.

Meanwhile, the sunflowers seem to be running out of steam.

2011-07-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Conceived...as Something Master P Would Say
"Seriously--
more pictures of your stupid fucking pets?"

How about a 3-minute margarita?
1/4 - 1/2 cup (to taste) of 100% agave silver tequila
1/8th cup of triple sec (slightly over)
1/8th cup of Rose's lime juice (waaay under)
1/8th cup of Lemon/Lime soda (slightly over)

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Oh, I guess Betty Ford just died while I was making this.
Cheers!

2011-07-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

Inspired...by Master P

This is my version of Master P's chorizo nachos. It's more like a 'dip' (the liquidity comes from pork fat) made with chorizo, onions, garlic, and topped with cheddar cheese and fresh tomato and jalepeno from my garden.

Master-P, would have minimized the vegetables, but it's delicious...it's just not the same.

Oh, Master-P, wherefore art thou?

2011-07-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

New Roommate, New Dogs

This is Pancho, a fierce chihuahu whose first act in our backyard was to send the barking pit bull bitch from next door whimpering away with her tail tucked between her legs (by kicking urinated-on dirt in her direction while she peaked over the wall).

Pancho is a whore for the camera.

This is Rocky, he is originally from Bulgaria and has far too much dignity to pose

My original inclination was to call them Pancho and Lefty, from the Willie Nelson song...but unlike our cats, these creatures actually respond to their respective names.

'Interesting' factoids:
If I had been born before my cousin, my birth-name would have been Rocky (shudder).

What I thought was a Willie Nelson song is actually a Townes Van Zandt song. Tex, the guy referenced in this blog post, spent a good hour telling us why Townes Van Zandt is the greatest man who ever lived. I don't know about that. I do know that Tex had a very similar drawl...VERY similar.

The Coen Brothers used TVZ's cover of the Rolling Stones' "Dead Flowers" on the Big Lebowski soundtrack. His "Cocaine Blues" doesn't sound half bad, either...same with "Waitin' Around to Die".

Do I ever expect to see 'Tex' around again?

Well sure's hell not 'round these parts.

...but maybe in Palatine.

2011-06-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

Dedicated...To Master P

2011-06-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

Prince of Persia - On Drinking Water

Amir [9:34 AM]:
just did a quick search in increasing Vitality and one asshole guy is saying something again about drinking Water

Mezz0 [9:35 AM]:
Yeah - I used to tell people all the time to drink a lot of water. I used to drink a lot of water. Then I realized there were no positive medical outcomes associated with drinking a lot of water, and I stoppped, and felt no different.

Amir [9:35 AM]:
I think it is a bullshit to drink alot of water

Mezz0 [9:35 AM]:
Yeah, me too

Amir [9:35 AM]:
Copy that completely, you are very esmart Bro

Mezz0 [9:37 AM]:
OK. Here it is

Amir [9:42 AM]:
I think I should then take it easy and just drink as much as I like without worry about the benefits I think you copy that, right?

Mezz0 [9:43 AM]:
Copy that

Amir [9:43 AM]:
Copy you copy Colonel

Mezz0 [9:43 AM]:
Roger your copy, Captain

2011-06-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

Around The Garden

Zang! The first of many sunflower blossoms to come.

The two tall ones look to be about 7 feet tall. They sprouted 3/24.

My corn is knee-high by the 4th of...June. Green beans have been coming in regularly.

At night the nicotiana alata smells like jasmine. It has enough nicotine to be considered poisonous.

Pepper Forest

The California Poppy, our state flower.

Morning Glories climbing my makeshift trellis...if left on their own they strangle nearby plants in a similar manner. The seeds that these will eventually produce will make you see God, so they're banned in a few of the backward states.

2011-05-24T04:40:00.000-07:00

Have You Met My...Guy?
Seriously, this is my delivery person. Best meds fer yer dollar around. Plus they're fans of Dylan and the Trainspotting soundtrack, apparently.

God bless California.

This may seem low-budget, but would you rather buy weed from these people or a car from Bob Rohrman?

2011-05-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

What a Difference a Month Makes

April 4th

May 11th

April 16th

May 11th

Tomatoes!

Farm filling up with seedlings

2011-05-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

How To Win Big at the Kentucky Derby
16-19-13

Thanks, Animal Kingdom!

The board at Churchill Downs just after it was made official

1. Be unemployed
2. Have a small amount of investment capital
3. Be drunk at 1am and realize that the Kentucky Derby is on the next day with "a wide-open field"
4. Realize that "wide open field" is code for long odds and good payouts
5. Deposit $100 into a horse racing website
6. Buy racing form
7. Pick personal favorites on what I see
8. Read what other people think
9. Jot down inscrutable notes
10. Make $100 worth of trifecta box bets at 4am
11. Nervously sweat the 2 hour lead-in to the horse race the next day
12. Feel head explode when 16-19-13 hits
13. Promptly withdraw $988 into savings before drunkenly betting it all on something else

2011-05-06T14:11:00.001-07:00

Maybe Blogger...
will let me get away with what youtube won't. Youtube has some magical way of backtracing mp3 audio attached to movies.

Quality will suffer due to 100mb upload limit.

Mezzo demanded a video of the garden to lighten his day.

It's much better if you download it in HD here

2011-04-30T12:37:00.001-07:00

La Dia De La Basura!

I can't believe we fit everything in one load.

Action shot! Rope is in the upper left being tossed over.

Muchas gracias para la troca de el hermano de U.

2011-04-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

The Farm is Done
Hawks Lose/Garden Blooms

It's just a matter of waiting for my other seedlings to get big enough to plant now. If I really get ambitious, I can expand the farmland to the wall next to Compost Corner (above picture).

I shore myself before midnight after the Hawks lost, just to be sure. We'll get those fuckers next year. Here is a video combining hair and our backyard.

Jesus-fuck, some monster of a music corporation took my video down within 20 minutes...I think Bill Gates might actually have something to do with this since I used Windows Movie Maker.

Lame

I guess you can play the youtube video of the song and the movie of the blossoming garden/end to my longhair at the same time...just don't pass up the song.

2011-04-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

American Gothic

La Primera and The Youngest

Finally, to The Farm. The tomato seedlings that I grew from seed are about ready to be planted into the ground so I've been working on this portion of the yard lately. The physical labor helps to distract my mind during Blackhawk game days...and it seems to result in winning, so far.

Before-ish

Almost Done

Scrap wood + magnifying glass

100+ Seedlings

Early Plans

2011-04-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

Prince of Persia Pumps

So Amir, my Persian work buddy, loves talking about working out at the local gym. He does not work out all that regularly, or intensely, but will occasionally flex his biceps through his business buttoned down shirt after getting his pump on in the morning. He has a membership to a 5-star gym that routinely has six-figure cars valet parked in front, famous people, etc. I've gone with him once to cut weight for a Jiu Jitsu tournament. It's a nice place.

Amir [12:54 PM]:

this is my goal in the next 3 month Duke

Amir [12:54 PM]:

http://www.musclegaintruth.us/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/perfect-body-man1.jpg

Mezz0 [12:55 PM]:

Very nice

Amir [12:55 PM]:

isn't it?

Mezz0 [12:55 PM]:

Are you going to shave your chest as well?

Mezz0 [12:55 PM]:

Because you will not look like him if your chest is not shaved.

Amir [12:56 PM]:

that is right, No for sure

Mezz0 [12:56 PM]:

Why not? I thought that was your goal?

Amir [12:56 PM]:

sht you are right

Amir [12:56 PM]:

maybe

Amir [12:56 PM]:

but as the last step

2011-04-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

Skill Saw + Scrap 2x4's = Compost Corner

For some reason, La Primera didn't care for having a loose compost heap near the garbage bins and recyclables...which is also kind of close to the patio and kitchen door and a few plants.

A convenience to some is a nuisance to others.

Welcome to Compost Corner!

I grabbed a couple 5' stakes and a roll of chicken wire from Home Depot to build a third wall in the farthest corner of our yard. Since I don't own or want to buy a wheelbarrow, I had to ship the compost heap over to Compost Corner bin by bin (by bin by bin by limb by limb by limb) from the opposite side of the yard.

My compost heap destroys plant material and reduces it to fucking worm shit.

Also...7-2, bitches.

Believe.

2011-04-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

Around The Yard

I bought my first groupon a couple weeks ago--$25 for $50 to spend at a local garden center. On Friday I went and spent $50.53 (they didn't charge me for the $0.53 over) and managed to pick up roughly 60 plants.

I cleared out brush, bushes, and weeds from this spot over the last week and added the plants and border.

The garden patio wasn't being watered and was overrun with weeds. Before I got to it there were only the two tallest plants you see in the picture.

My veggies are still going strong.

U and I put in the trellis for a jasmine plant and I threw a bunch of flowers in the resulting grassless void.

This is outside my bedroom's sliding door in the front yard. Eventually I'm going to put in a small balcony/deck.

Insects love eating my fresh sunflower seedlings

Roses

Seedlings

Calla Lily and Snapdragons

First attempt at a compost pile.

2011-04-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

This YouTube Clip Has Everything

Dancing, dubstep, fighting, sweaty pectorals, asians...but damn, Jean Claud, you crazy!

2011-04-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Garden Update

"There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts."

"Excellently observed," answered Candide; "but let us cultivate our garden."

I have transplanted my sunflower seedlings directly into the planet earth.

One year that I saw Phish play at Alpine Valley in Winsonsin, I entered the venue after the show had started--and a good hour into a mushroom trip. As I descended the sparsely populated mounded lawn that slopes severely towards the stage and pavilion area, I was struck by the feminine curves of the hill I was walking down and the ski slopes in the distance. I thought about how wonderful it would feel if, in fact, mother nature WAS this valley, physically--her fertile, pregnant stomach was where we were celebrating. I was walking down her belly, frosty beers in hand, while thousands of people danced around like idiots and dug their feet into her fleshy midsection . THIS is where mother nature came to get the weirdest massage of her life, I laughed to myself.

I still enjoy thinking about that image, and any time I start fucking around with dirt, it's bound to enter my consciousness. It also makes phrases like, "Drill baby, drill." graphically preposterous in my mind's eye.

Sometimes it's interesting to consider the bird's eye view.

This is Napoleon

Soon after transplanting a (store-bought) tomato seedling into a pot with a cage around it, I noticed that the plant was covered with bird shit. I also noticed that a small bird with a waggly tail seemed to be making the top of the cage his main hangout. He was also perching on top of the yard chair, a dwarf pear tree, and a small garden trellis (all of which he covered with shit).

Since I'm unemployed, I began to track his movements during my extended sessions of Staring Out the Kitchen Window. I installed a pointy barrier on the top of the cage in an attempt ward him away. I noticed that he chased other birds out of our yard. The little bastard seemed remarkably territorial for a little 5" bird.

A few days after installing my first attempt at a barrier to keep him off my tomatoes, the bird shit started to pile on once again. He had learned that my deterrent was harmless.

It was at this point that I named him Napoleon. ("Why Napoleon," U had asked. "Because he's small, aggressive, territorial, he has a poofy midsection, he thinks he owns everything...and he gets off on shitting all over the place.")

I wanted to identify him. Unfortunately, I needed to get a picture to help me out. A combination of shitty eyesight and the memory of a lifelong pothead was making identification impossible. While I was out taking pictures of my plants , I caught him perching on my rocks. Once I snapped the pictures above, it was a breeze.

Turns out, Napoleon's a Black Phoebe in the Tyrant (yes, tyrant!) Flycatcher family of passerines.

They are known for perching on branches, looking for flying insects, swooping out, snatching them, and then swooping back to their perch. They subsist on a diet almost entirely of insects.

I also have effectively stopped him from shitting on my plant with the addition of loose twine. So, you know, what a wonderful little bug-eating creature.

A little creature who could only exist here, in Southern California, in our backyard, in the best of all possible...

I lost my train of thought.

Look at all these fucking seedlings, though. I've got three more trays waiting to sprout...and I'm still looking for more seeds to buy.

Multiply!

2011-03-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I Used to Have One
...and now I have many

Multiply, my seedlings! Multiply!

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Closeup of my healthiest sunflower

Tomato seedlings sway towards the setting sun

2011-03-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

My First Seedling

This sunflower will be known as John Lennon, for its remarkable likeness to John Lennon's self portrait.

I can almost feel him with me now.

Imagine....reincarnation

Oh, and if you ever wanted to know what John felt about his childhood, listen here. It's better after a few beers. Shit gets heavy.

Fuck, now I gotta listen to the whole album.

Cookie!

I don't believe...in BUDDHA!

2011-03-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

I Used To Live in Minneapolis

What the fuck was I thinking back then?

My Maomart charcoal grill came yesterday, so I fired up some grilled chicken for dinner tonight...with fresh basil from my garden. Somewhere in the country, snow is beginning to fall and marijuana is still illegal.

2011-03-21T17:28:00.001-07:00

The Garden Project, Part II

From seed, I'm trying to grow nicotiana alata, new marigold, lavender, heliotrope, mountain phlox, velvet queen sunflowers, pinup flame begonia, painted daisies, baby blue eye wildflowers, jubilee tomatoes, marglobe tomatoes, and bradley tomatoes.

From seedlings, I'm trying to grow green bell peppers, red bell peppers, basil, jalapenos, early girl tomatoes, and two avocado trees that were growing from pits that U had buried by the patio.

Now with fewer logs, rock sculpture.

Germinated sunflower seeds.

Repurposed kitty litter box and solo cups.

2011-03-20T17:38:00.001-07:00

The Garden Project

Before

After

2011-03-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

The Bathroom Project
Phase 1:
~~Collect Underpants~~
Demolish shitty old bathroom and storage shed walls.

Old toilette/vanity area

Old Shower

Storage shed walls

Swept up toilette/vanity area.

2011-03-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

California vs Minnesota

This winter, southern California experienced a month of Spring/Summer temperatures. It was a beautiful gift bestowed upon us by Mother Nature. During this period of sunshine and warmth, I was driving home from Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and just so happening to be listening to a soft rock radio station. The announcer, female, had that soft rock voice. You know the voice. Soft. Calm. Melodic. Relaxing. After Extreme's "More Than Words" finished playing, she came on the radio and said:

The weather tonight is cool over most of the country, and as low as -4 degrees in Minneapolis. And then her voice changed from melodic to tinged with disgust. -4! Can you believe that? She snorted, and then regained her composure. But it's 67 degrees here, and a beautiful night in southern California.

Shortly after, I asked TNT to send me pictures of what his office complex looked like so we could compare.

View From Office - Los Angeles

Office Campus - Los Angeles

Minnesota

2011-03-13T15:16:00.001-07:00

In California
Your neighbors just might hire a mariachi band to play in their backyard.

La Primera tried to convince me that this was something called a "banda" (which is ridiculous). I know mariachis when I hear them. Also, No Hay Banda!

2011-03-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

In California
It seems like I always have to come back inside to grab my sunglasses.

2011-03-03T14:51:00.001-08:00

Do you realize?

We finished the fence! Let us make Joyful sounds!

2011-02-21T19:15:00.001-08:00

Demon Spawn

This would be a lot cooler if Gene Simmons had talent and wasn't the biggest douchebag in the world.

2011-02-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

In California

Even a rainy day looks good.

2011-02-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

Oh God...no....NOOOOOO!

I'm not sure if anyone else has been following the hit ABC television show 'V', but I think they're on to something. Those no-good, god-damned lizards are invading. I was about to get started on finishing up Mezzo's new supercomputer when I spotted something amiss.

Whoah! It just jumped right in....and fucking disappeared. I flipped the box around a few times and slapped the sides to try to scare him out if he was still inside, but I got nothing. I brought out a flashlight and checked all the corners. There was no sign of the lizard.

I assumed that he had escaped while I wasn't looking, so I carried on with my original plan. I needed to install 2 sticks of RAM and a DVD burner into Mezzo's badass machine before I could turn it on for the first time, install Windows, and start pimping his ride with the best in games and apps.

Just before I flipped on the power switch, I took off the side plate of the computer case to make sure the lizard hadn't wedged himself into the tiny 1/4" crack on the closed side of the case.

I'm thinking that one of the times I slapped the side of the case to scare him, I actually knocked him a good one in his lizard brain--temporarily incapacitating him.

I think you all know what's coming now.

Once I captured him, I let the cats observe my prize before I dashed it's head against the sidewalk.

Just kidding, I released him in the front yard.

2011-02-11T18:12:00.000-08:00

Behold!

The skill saw of providence!

The crossbeams of Jericho!

The reinforced strength of Samson:

The beauty of His Majesty
(reverse angle)

2011-02-10T16:43:00.000-08:00

I Am Like Jesus

A few weeks ago the Heavens brought forth a fierce rain upon San Diego. For four long days the clouds purged their bowels of evil, leaving the poor city as drenched as our hapless Prophet Jonah. La Primera's fence was no match for the fury of the supernatural. It had collapsed. When I cast my gaze closer upon the dilapidated ruins of the fence, I saw that it was not built upon a solid foundation. My heart trembled and I retreated into the shadows.

Woe to the man who doth not heed the words of Our Lord!

As I rebuild a new fence, I shall build my fence with the Love of God in my heart. I will let His Hands guide mine as we craft this structure together on solid ground. It shall stand as a Testament of my Faith. Just as my mortal flesh is tested by the temptations of the devil, so too will my fence be tested by the varied tempests that come with the changing of the winds. Verily I say unto you, with the help of the Lord my faith will hold as firmly as my fence.

Unfortunately, the Good Lord did not bless my faith with structural fencing plans, measurements, and some necessary tools.

As I prayed, God led me to realize that I needed help from someone else. I requested the assistance of U, who's godliness can be measured by his willingness to help and his ability to use my body as a vessel through which the Lord can operate.

First, I dug two 12x12x12 holes. We kept them a little shallow to make sure we didn't unleash Satan.

Check out this dirt from the holes!

Next, we mixed some cement in a bucket with a shovel and filled in those holes to make anchors for the fence. It took 300 lbs of concrete. Hallelujah!

U positioned the brackets as the cement hardened.

Next, we bought a bunch of wood from the Home Depot. Thanks for all those awesome trees Jesus!

Huh huh, "Wood."

Today, with a little instruction from U the day before (and a whole lot of prayer today), I got two posts up, plumbed, and bolted.

It's everything built around the
posts that isn't level.

U just stopped by to give me the next couple steps. He saw my Good Works and he left me a skill saw. Let us exalt this tool of power.

2011-01-03T23:28:00.001-08:00

Meet Butters
My new cat. He was named after this guy .

He fetches and shit.

2010-12-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

Here's How They Do Shit in Mexico

Note: my wisdom tooth was always in a runner's stance.

If my trusty Tijuana dentist knows what he's talking about, this should fix my problem.

10 weeks ago, when I had dental insurance, my American dentist gave me the option to fill this tooth instead of pulling it out. He should have pulled it.

I hopped in U's Mustang and we headed down to his city of birth, Tijuana, to receive some top-notch dental care. Unfortunately, the dentist that we were looking for was closed for the holidays. An office nearby was willing to look at me, though. I waited around for 5 minutes before being led back for x-rays and having my problem identified.

"Unfortunately, the only way we can help this is to pull it out. Have you eaten yet today? Why don't you go get a taco while we send for The Doctor. You will not be able to eat anything good for a few days after he's done...there's a great taco shop just a few doors down."

We went over to Tacos El Rey and had some delicious tacos before I returned and waited for the Doctor.

Dr. Sanchez (in broken English): Hello, you ready?

::The Youngest takes a deep breath::

Dr. Sanchez: Are you nervous?

The Youngest: Yes

Dr. Sanchez: Come on, macho. Mexican machos don't even need anesthesia!

The Youngest: Well I'm glad I'm an American.

What followed was horrific. The doctor positioned himself around my head so as to exert maximum leverage using his elbow and an assortment of bulky tools that vaguely resembled a marlin spike. At one point, he demanded a back-up instrument from the assistant and began cranking on my tooth in the opposite direction. He was grabbing at my tooth so hard, it felt like my jaw was going to snap on the opposite side. It took about 4-5 goes of prying on each side, following each time with some hardcore wiggling. He grabbed my chin with his opposite hand to keep my jaw in place as he cranked some more. I was worried he wasn't making any progress until I felt the sweet sensation of losing contact with a numbed nerve (combined with the sound of my gums ripping and tearing the surrounding area.

When he pulled back, sweat was streaming down my forehead. The assistant made sure I wasn't about to pass out before giving me the post-op lowdown.

All that for $120. Without dental insurance, in the US, it would have cost at least $150 just to have a dentist look at my mouth...without x-rays.

2010-12-23T22:35:00.001-08:00

Who needs a job?
I gamble!

1901 New York Craps Game

I decided to split the $1,000 pool with the only person remaining after last week.

$15 -> $503

Now I get to take that money and go to Tijuana to have some dental work done! Yaaaay!

Something has gone terribly wrong with at least one tooth that received fillings a mere two months ago. It doesn't feel like there's a gap (like when a filling is out) but when mildly warm or cool liquid passes over my lower right molars, I experience a pain that is so sharp and intense that it's impossible to pinpoint. It travels along both sides of my jaw and up each temple, finally meeting at the top of my skull before subsiding. It's a unique and extreme pain unlike any I have experienced before.

The few times I've tested the area to see if it's getting better, I have found myself hitting the heel of my hand against the side of my head in an attempt to dull the painful result.

I'm thinking a filling is dislodged or maybe it fractured the inner part of a tooth...I dunno. I suspect something went bad near a nerve. I was eating a rolled taco from Los Burritos when it all went wrong. I took a bite and it felt like something in my mouth changed mid-bite. When I took a swig of beer I was met with pure fucking agony. Through the magic of Yelp, I can show you the exact dish that made $400 of dental work feel like it did more harm than good.

It was the 3 rolled tacos meal.

Just to be clear, I blame my doctor, not the delicious Mexican food. My teeth didn't feel right for a couple weeks after having that work done and I now suspect that he made a couple too-deep fillings instead of suggesting a root canal...which is what I may be in store for now.

So...anyone know a good doctor in Tijuana?

All I really want for Christmas is the ability to drink a beer without tilting my head 45 degrees to the left while twirling my tongue in such a matter that I prevent any liquid from trickling down my right cheek and making contact with The Area.

Even a single drop can set it off.

Fuck!

2010-12-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

30 Minutes or Less
I haven't had a pizza delivered here yet, but I did have some Headband and Lavender Kush dropped off a few minutes ago. No extra charge for delivery and it came in about 45 minutes...plus a free joint.

Fuck yeah!

Thanks to the kind folks over at The Viridis Tree!

2010-12-16T21:32:00.001-08:00

Like Christmas in July!
(only in December)

Thank you Bolts!

San Diego knocked me out of my massive $80k pool with a loss two weeks ago (the same day I arrived in San Diego), but they got me through safely this week with a dominant 34-7 win over San Francisco. I'm one of three left in the $1k pool, so here's who to root for Sunday 12/18:

We want Denver to beat Oakland (they are 6.5 point underdogs on the road)
and
We want Detroit to beat Tampa Bay (they are 5.5 point underdogs on the road)

If both teams pull the upset, I'm Up $1,005!

2010-12-15T16:09:00.001-08:00

If You're Wondering Where To Find...

The Social Security Administration Office of Chula Vista, look next to the conspicuous taco stand.

2010-12-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

Born Again, Cali-forn-I-am
Is Katy Perry really that bad? Is the weather really that nice? Is it really that easy to get weed?

Yes, yes, and yes!

View from my bedroom, con el gato de La Primera
"Cookie Dough". Note sunshine, palm tree, blue skies.

I'm one week removed from the chaotic wintery hell of the midwest. Within that one week, blizzards caused the roof to collapse at the iconic Hubert H Humphrey Metrodome. Blizzards. Blizzards in a city that I used to live in. It took me back to my time in Minnesota, back when I was a delivery driver in Minneapolis.

When I got lost and needed to get my bearings, that ugly roof was my homing beacon, my North Star. Seeing its lifeless shell deflated reminded me of those deliveries. It reminded me of the puddles of slush I'd sink into while wheeling a dolly loaded with boxes behind me. It reminded me of the fear of approaching a red light without any momentum to myself through the muck that had pooled in the intersection. It reminded me of the time I tapped my brakes and skidded two full rotations amid four lanes of rush hour traffic.

It reminded my of the time I was walking through several feet of snow to a distant Airstream trailer for an enjoyable weekend in the north woods with some friends. I became overwhelmed with heat and exhaustion on the hike in. The snow was too deep for my chubby body. I was crotch-deep in wet snow, exhausted, and throwing up all over the place. I gathered myself and marched on another 20 yards before my boot slipped off during a step. While struggling to get my foot back in place beneath layers of snow, I was compelled to throw up for a second time.

My friends, tired of offering encouragement, carried on ahead. I considered not calling out for them to check back on me...it seemed like less of an issue if I simply rested in the cool snow and let my body succumb to the elements. That boot was going to be cold and wet for the rest of the weekend anyway.

This is what winter does to people. Why would anyone subject their person to such insane nonsense? Is it some devil that gets inside of us?

Fuck!

The same day that the roof was collapsing in Minneapolis, I was basking in 84 degree weather in sunny Chula Vista (seriously, it was 84), smoking another bong of the best marijuana available to man (legally, mind you) and getting ready to stuff myself, once again, with the succulent fire-grilled flavors of El Pollo Loco (thanks for the tip, Breaking Bad). Good christ, I am loving this food. I much prefer "Flour or corn tortilla?" at the drive-thru instead of "You want fries with that?"

Who gives a shit if I'm unemployed, catless, and I drink too much? At least I am not experiencing my 30th midwest winter.

Also, it looks like I've got a new cat on the way. In the wake of Kid-A, baddest of the bad-ass motherfucking cats that ever lived, I present to you (the temporarily named) Plan-B.

I'll be picking him up on Sunday.

He might be a Bernie.

2010-11-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

NFL Week 11
Survivor/Eliminator Pools
$1,000 Pool - 6 of 67 remain
$80,000 Pool - 311 of 7,451 remain
Used teams - TEN, GB, BAL, NO, IND, PIT, KC, TB, ATL (1/2), NYG(1/2)

Hanging my hat on the Jets

A couple weeks ago I was driving into the city when NPR started playing an interview with some vulgar motherfucker named Stephen Sondheim. Apparently, he wrote lyrics to a few songs back in the day and lobbied hard to get phrases like 'When the shit hits the fan' and 'Gee, Officer Krupke, Fuck You' included in a couple West Side Story songs that he wrote in the 50's.

This is why I listen to NPR. I can now make a moral argument against musical theater.

Unfortunately for Steve, the laws at that time made it illegal to transport a recording with obscenities across state lines. The poor bastard lost his argument with the prude who was running the show. Instead, he forever tainted his legacy by writing hilariously unobjectionable lines like 'When the spit hits the fan' and 'Gee, Officer Krupke, Krup you!' He later became a raging wino.

I almost pitied the poor bastard until I found out that he wrote the New York Jets fight song! Now these guys know how to play like a jet.

Walk Tall Jets!

It looks like my choices are getting pretty limited here, so I'm going to take all that NPR Jet talk as a sign from God. The New York Jets (7-2) have a solid defense that should be pumped to be back at home with two winnable games in front of them. The last two weeks on the road they narrowly escaped with back-to-back overtime wins. Plus, they actually sound like a team.

QB Mark Sanchez will have the luxury of passing against a Houston Texan (4-5) defense that is ranked last against the pass and is only ranked higher than one team in avg total yards allowed per game, the Washington Redskins.

Washington is only worse due to the damage incurred from last night, when the Skins were savagely ripped apart by the Eagles' Michael Vick--who personally threw and rushed for 442 yards and 6 touchdowns. The whole team damn-near accounted for 600 total yards of offense while scoring 59 points. It's tragic that the antiquated dog fighting laws and racism of the south kept Mr. Vick imprisoned for two years. Imagine the highlight reels that could have been (like the first play from scrimmage from last nights' game).

Back to the Jets. The sarape-clad Sanchez fans should be out in force to cheer their Jets on to a dominant victory at home this Sunday. I think I'm going to have to place both remaining picks on the Gang Green this week. How could my favorite color lose? Go Jets! Viva Nueva York!

2010-11-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

NFL Week 10

Shit is startin' to heat up! Luckily I didn't pick the New York Giants (who were 14 point favorites at home over the Cowboys) even though I could have used them in one pool. They were shocked by the underdogs 20-33. I fucking hate the Cowboys, but this was a pretty sweet win for them...especially since it wasn't done with pop star quarterback Tony Romo, but the permanently irritated skinhead Jon Kitna.

I went with the Tampa Bay Bucs for both of my picks this week. Briefly, I had it split between TB and NYG, but I just could not visualize the Bucs losing that game, so I put both picks on them. They ended up destroying the Carolina Panthers 31-16 and a bunch of people who picked the Giants were knocked out. Boo-yah!

6 of 67 people remain in the $1,000 pool
311 of 7451 people remain in the $80,000 pool

Next week looks like it might be tough, but for now...I am one step closer.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneer Cheerleader Monologues

2010-11-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm Outta Here!
Dec 1-3rd

Moments ago I submitted my letter of resignation. Freeeeeeedom! My last day working in the Chicagoland suburbs will be 11/30.

I've been in this town for so long that back in the city I've been taken for lost and gone and unknown for a long long time.

Four years is about two more years than I planned...

It's off to a state that's untouchable like Eliot Ness.

2010-11-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

NFL Week 9

I will survive.

$1,000 pool - 8 of 67 people remain

$80,000 pool - 490 of 7451 people remain

Last week I made a cold, calculated gambler's decision and picked the filthy NE Patriots (I fucking hate them) to beat my beloved (sort of) MN Vikings. It was a decision that paid off as I went 2/2 for my survivor picks. For my first pick this week I'm going with my second most-hated team in the NFL, The New York Giants, to defeat the depleted Seattle Seahawks. Despite the fact that the New York coach's job duties seem to center around trying to master the look of shocked and confused indignation, they are facing a Seattle Seahawk team that is so marred by injuries that they were walloped by the Raiders 33-3 last week. To make matters worse, their starting QB was concussed after their porous O-line allowed 8 sacks...EIGHT. OAKLAND. That woozy fellow will be replaced by backup QB Sacrificial Lamb (he looks like Jesus!) who has never started a regular season game in the NFL.

The decision to sit the 35 year old QB Hasselbeck might just be an effort to keep him healthy enough to play for the rest of the season, rather than an effort to win. The Giant's defense has knocked out 5 of 7 quarterbacks that they've faced this year. Two concussions, a stinger, a broken arm, and the latest, a broken clavicle, have sent them off to the safety of their locker rooms and reduced opposing offenses to rubble.

"Ready for yo' teabag, Mr Romo?"

By pulling his starting QB, Seahawks coach Pete Carrol already appears to be conceding a loss. The Giant's are probably salivating all over their play books after hearing the news today, and encouraging that overconfidence might be the only angle Carrol can shoot. Unfortunately for him, this game has all the makings for an absolute slaughter...an ugly, painful slaughter that will more closely resemble an early Mike Tyson fight than a football game.

The only thing that could go wrong here is if it rains the entire game, inbreeding experiment Eli Manning throws an interception with every possession, and Whitehurst actually turns out to be the second coming of Jesus Christ (allowing Him to elevate Himself safely above the field to throw magical Hail Mary's that are never intercepted).

My second pick is The Atlanta Falcons over The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That story isn't nearly as interesting, so you're just gonna have to trust me. They totally outclass the Bucs.

The bad news? Both teams I'm picking are coming off of bye weeks and may show a little rust.

2010-10-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

NFL Week 8
This shit is really starting to stress me out. I'm still alive in both of my survivor pools (a pool in which you have to pick one team to win each week, no spreads, and can only use each team once for the whole season)

(X'd out teams are teams I've picked, Taylor approves all picks prior to submission)

So far I've dodged a number of bullets and come away completely unscathed. I'm 7/7 in both pools. I like to convince myself that this is all thanks to my hard work and diligence, so I spend almost all of my waking hours scouring the web for picks, predictions, simulations, offense/defense statistical matchups...I even search youtube and listen to unprofessional schmucks giving their opinions just to mash their thoughts in with the vague analysis floating around in my brain.

My ultimate goal is to come away with a game that I can feel comfortable with in my gut...something I can feel about 80% sure of. I've avoided taking teams on the road, I've been wary of bye-week returns, unproven teams. It's incredibly stressful.

Anyway, we're going with the New England Patriots over the Minnesota Vikings this week. This is going to be a meltdown week for MN. Brad Childress has no control over the injured and incorrigible Brett Favre and they're coming off a tough loss to Green Bay last week. The team is going to be frustrated with a dismal 2-4 record, newly acquired pothead (from NE) Randy Moss is going to be frustrated that he has only averaged 4 receptions over his first 3 games in MN (and Favre couldn't practice with him this week), Brett Favre is going to be frustrated by his limited mobility and the run-heavy play calling, his team is going to be frustrated with him for throwing so many interceptions this year and attracting so much attention....and on and on.

(Brett Favre - we've seen a lot of this in 2010)

To further stoke the flames, Brad Childress, in his infinite wisdom, has made some completely idiotic comments lately. He blamed their last loss on a blown call by the officials (who admitted their error to him), he blamed their last loss to NE on stolen signals, and he has recently accused his own QB of undermining his authority by ignoring their play calls.

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick will be properly motivated to prepare well enough to absolutely humiliate Brad Childress, stifle their former whining WR Randy Moss, and hopefully contain the run as successfully as they have the last couple weeks. Apparently, the two coaches had a sort of minor rivalry even before this week and Billy ain't gonna be to happy about some shit coach talking trash.

Also, let's not forget about that dreamy Tom Brady who's throwing for the Pats. He's won something like 23 straight games that he's started at home. Mark it, dude, Pats win. MN Breaks down. We may even get to see backup QB Tarvaris Jackson appear in the 2nd half to hand off the ball until he gets bored and throws a pick looking for Moss.

(Tom "amazing hair" Brady)

My second pick is KC over Buffalo...because KC is good in every spot that Buffalo is bad. Plus, most Buffalo headlines look like this:

Bills Player Named Worse in League

2010-10-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Phish - North Charleston, SC 10/15-16

South Carolina state flag

With my impending move date growing closer, I had to notch off another state and venue to see Phish before moving far away from their most frequently played cities.

I have never been a fan of the south. Not without reason, though. I think it all started after I saw the movie Easy Rider and learned that the scary people in The Coffee Diner scene weren't actors at all, but were hired after Hopper saw the them making fun of the longhairs and their fancy machines while they were scouting locations. Those were honest to goodness back country hicks that they hired...just like the hill people they used in Deliverance.
(seriously, I'm not making this shit up)

Speaking of man-on-man rape, a guy took an open seat next to mine during Phish's first night last weekend and soon thereafter offered me a bump of cocaine. I accepted, of course, and dipped a corner of my credit card into the baggie to scoop up a small mountain of powder. Unsure if I was about to inhale a large hit of meth or highly adulterated coke, I dove in. Surprisingly, it was actually cocaine and it tasted fairly clean. All was well and good with my advanced buzz until a few minutes later when my new friend casually tried slipping his arm around my waste.

I rebuffed his advance and narrowly missed elbowing him in the face. He gave me a, "What, was that wrong?" look and leaned away away as if preparing to get punched.

I mean, it's not like I'm about to tell the guy to get the fuck away from me. He had coke. Good coke. I simply dismissed it and went back to watching the show. He ended up leaving some time during that song.

A while later in between songs, the same guy came back. I was worried that perhaps I had offended him or maybe even embarrassed him. I just figured that he was back to watch the show from an awesome seat again. I politely asked about his friends who he said he had met up with back by the sound board. He wasn't talkative, and simply offered me another bump of pure cocaine. I accepted again. We're talking cocaine here.

I guess I shouldn't have been shocked when he slipped his arm around my waste again. This time, though, it was time to take physical action. I pushed him away and gave the guy a stern, "Dude, not OK."

He left shortly thereafter and didn't come back for the rest of the show. I had to walk back to my motel while constantly looking over my shoulder in fear. The only safe option was to assume I was being followed and to get ready to run. Hollywood taught me well and good that the only things that truly motivate southern men are butt-rape, chewing tobacco, and murder.

In all seriousness, that was just a minor thing at one hell of a concert and I got some free coke out of it. The next night I got some great videos that are going to be used by Team Hood, Phish's unofficial videographers that edit multi-cam phan videos (steady cams only), add a soundboard matrix, and release professional-ish DVD's and videos within the community.

(mine)

2010-10-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Kid-A, Kid-A, Bye Bye
R.I.P. my closest companion of 8 years.

I dropped her off at the vet this morning.

(Summer 2010)

(Fall 2009)

(Summer 2002 - First picture after taking her in)

(Summer 2003 - Kid-A brings home the bacon)

2010-09-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

I Don't Know...
how many concerts I've been to, maybe a couple hundred.
Spoiler alert for anyone planning on going.
Tonight, I finally found what I was looking for at Roger Waters' (of Pink Floyd) concert extravaganza The Wall. I've seen my share of gimmicks before; jugglers, lasers, trapeze artists, a stock black guy, exotic dancers...you know the shtick.

But never had I seen a large, inflatable hog featuring anti-imperialistic/corporate graffiti floating amongst a large stadium audience via wire, taunting us, while Nazi-esque imagery dwarfed the the entire scene. I nearly spilled my $9 Bud Light on my Banana Republic jeans when I saw George Dubya and Chairman Mao wearing the trademarked white iPod headphones in a mock Apple commercial a few moments later.

I wondered if the image might also suggest that our world leaders listen to the same music, or "march to the same beat" as it were. Does that suggest that our nations share similar materialistic commonalities and that we are destined to have a super happy fun time dance-a-thon together? Are we not all one people, united in corporations? I hope so too, Roger Waters, I hope so too.

Anyway, I saw it as a hopeful message.

There was also nudity.

4.20/5.00
Preshow Album - Bob Dylan - Bringin' it All Back Home..also pop culture snippets leading up to the show before the lights dimmed. Lots of Monty Python...Always Look on the Bright Side of Life was the first song played loudly. I didn't see anybody else whistling.

Setbreak - Paul Simon and his African band's Homeless from Graceland. It was slowed down and mixed with weird chanting sounds, which continued through the majority of setbreak, before going back into Homeless until being interrupted by an English voice that politely advised everyone '5 minutes to showtime' repeatedly.

2010-09-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

Customer Service
user The Youngest has entered room> 'Need to cancel account'
analyst Edwin has entered room

Edwin
Hello The Youngest, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Edwin. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Edwin
It is a pleasure to have you on chat! I hope you haven't waited so long to be assisted. How's your day so far?

The Youngest
great

Edwin
I'm glad to know you're day went great so far.

Edwin
I'm sorry to hear about cancelling your account. May I ask the reason for this, The Youngest?

The Youngest
moving

Edwin
I understand that you want to cancel due to moving.

Edwin
I'm sorry to hear about you cancelling your account. It will be such a loss to COMCAST. If you decide to reactivate your services with us in the near future, we will be glad to welcome you back and provide you our best services.

Edwin
Let us resolve this concern now, our cancellation department will need to talk to you over the phone for security purposes. You will be asked for account information and other pertinent information for assurance that we are cancelling the correct account and avoid errors. Please call us on this toll free number, 1-800-266-2278 during Business hours, thats from 8:00am to 5:00pm. It has been a pleasure resolving your issue.

The Youngest
Please cancel my account as of 10/12 or I will refuse payment on my credit card. Thank you.

Edwin
I will have that noted to have the account cancelled on 10/12. Please complete this by calling the Cancellation department.

The Youngest
I don't have a phone

Edwin
I appreciate your patience while on hold, I am still working/checking on your query. Please give me another two minutes for this, would that be okay?

The Youngest
Yup

Edwin
Thank you for waiting.

Edwin
I see here that we have an option to visit the local office since here in chat support, we don't do cancellation The Youngest . I suggest to visit the nearest local office here:

Edwin
Comcast Lake Zurich
Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, Sat 9am-1pm.
880 Donata Court
Lake Zurich, IL 60047
866-594-1234

The Youngest
Where is Lake Zurich?

Edwin
You can also visit here:

Edwin
Comcast Waukegan
Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, Sat 9am-1pm

1585 Waukegan Road
Waukegan, IL 60085
866-594-1234

The Youngest
Will they send someone out to me?

Edwin
We send out someone if there will be a cable box. HOwever, since you have only basic cable and no cable box, everything should be fine and we will not send anyone.

Edwin
Just visit them to confirm your cancellation on 10/12

The Youngest
I'm not sure if that will be possible

Edwin
The Youngest, however, we suggest to contact us back the day before you want your services to be cancelled. As I checked here, only the local office will cancel the account for you.

The Youngest
This seems very difficult.

Edwin
I am sorry to hear that, The Youngest. However, our best option is to visit any local office to confirm your cancellation request.

The Youngest
OK, I will just cancel my credit card that I've been using for payment. That seems easier.

Edwin
I appreciate that, The Youngest.

Edwin
I am glad I was able to assist your issue/s or concern/s. It has been my pleasure serving you today and I truly appreciate your understanding and cooperation. Do you have other concerns for me today? I will be glad to assist you further.

The Youngest
I guess not

2010-09-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

I Love Football

2010-09-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Rolling Stones

I got sick of them after hearing the same 10 songs on the radio and television time and time again, but Phish convinced me to give some of their original albums a listen after they covered Exile on Main St. during last year's Halloween concert.

I had never heard this song up until about two weeks ago. I've probably heard a snippet of the miserable Stone's song Jumpin' Jack Flash playing on a classic rock station well over 500 times, though...probably thousands of times.

That fact is a humbling reminder that tv and radio are completely fucking worthless at presenting us with worthwhile entertainment (mostly--they did give us Britney Spears and Deadwood).

I blame Rupert Murdoch and George Bush Junior. Anyway, listen to the last song from side 1 of Beggar's Banquet, Jigsaw Puzzle below.

Interesting side note - The Rolling Stone's album Beggar's Banquet (featuring radio staples Sympathy for the Devil and Street Fighting Man) was originally mastered incorrectly. For over 30 years people were listening to a slightly slower version of the album than what was actually recorded. The remastered version of the 40 minute album is a full 30 seconds faster than the original release.

2010-09-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

Weekend Ghetto Framing

These were sitting unseen in poster tubes for far too long. Thank you Walmart and Hobby Lobby. I "framed" all three for about $60.

2010-09-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

Experimenting with Cannabinoids

Take my word for it, this only looks dangerous and illegal.
(product used as an incense)

I recently discovered that there are legal, recently discovered chemicals that mimic the effects of pot. The bonus is that they're cheap as hell and they don't show up on drug tests. People have been making blends using common herbs as a base. They then infuse the legal, unregulated herbs with legal, unregulated cannabinoids. A weak version called K2 is sold in head shops but there's a small group of people making and selling much more potent blends of their own online. When I found out, it was too intriguing not to try. Especially considering the fact that states are quickly moving to make JWH-018 illegal...but with every law that's passed, a new version of these cannabinoids seems to pop up.

I am the mad scientist. I am the human guinea pig. I am really baked.

Via Wikipedia:
John W. Huffman (The discoverer of the aptly named JWH-018) has opined that it has no medical use, stating,

"It's like LSD, the only thing it is good for is getting you high."

Based on that brilliant scientist's advice, I picked up a gram each of the following legal chemicals.
JWH-018
JWH-073
JWH-250

Before that, I bought a few pre-made blends and was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I did a little research and realized that people were marking up the price at least 100% over cost (which is still really cheap compared to pot or K2). That's why I picked up my own supplies and decided to try making a few hybrid blends using a cheap, weak ounce that I bought.

This dude has a much stronger oz than the cheaper, weaker one I got from a different guy. It's a mere $70/oz. It's potent and will get any pothead ripped after a few hits (placed on an incense burner). By comparison, most people would expect to pay $50-$60 for just an 1/8th of an oz of premium weed...if you know any stoners who are interested in trying, you can order a sample-gram for $5 from his website.

Best of all, these cannabinoids won't show up on drug tests since they contain no THC.

This makes things easier.

What a wonderful world.

It's not all fun and games, though. After I received my first shipment of the pure chemical, JWH-018, I tried taking small samples orally (via incense). I was disappointed not to be feeling anything, so I loaded a large pinch into my water pipe. It dissolved in the flame almost immediately and I only got one large hit (passively, via incense).

I was instantly stoned and started sending Mezzo an IM, something along the lines of "Holy shit, I'm super-baked off of synthetic weed!(incense)"

By the time I wrote the comma in that sentence, I realized things were getting more and more intense. The high did not plateau. It kept going up and up. I became uncomfortable. My motor functions slipped. My mind was struggling to get around the drug. I was gripped by it, incapacitated. It probably took 20 minutes before I could finish the one sentence I was trying to type out to my brother.

Since it felt unlikely that I could stay upright in my chair, I decided to crawl into bed...when I tried to stand, though, I realized that I could not. My balance was fucked. I leaned against my wall and sort of lunged into my bed...which was about a foot away from me.

Suddenly I was consumed by what I can only describe as raw, pure, unadulturated paranoia. My thinking was so irrationally fearful that, even in the back of my twisted mind, I convinced myself that it was really nothing to worry about.

After another 10 minutes of struggling past 'the spins' and my inability to focus beyond The Fear, I finally managed to set my alarm clock and passed out thinking things like:

What do I even do for a living?

Will I know what to do if I show up to work tomorrow morning?

How the fuck do I get to work?

What if this doesn't wear off by morning?

God, I hope I don't puke.

What if I'm like this forever.

I don't think I would be able to call in sick if I needed to.

Fuck!

Later I realized that I took about as much in that one hit as is recommended to be used in half an ounce of blend. I woke up about 4 hours later totally sober...and relieved that the shit I bought really does work.

2010-09-02T15:49:00.001-07:00

The Box! The Box!

The Box

2010-08-25T20:19:00.001-07:00

What the Hell?

Do people even bother with air conditioning in southern California?

...not to mention I'd be just a short 12 miles away from transporting the Silver Donkey down to Mexico to score some bulk Adderall!

Thoughts like this make me want to start packing.

Sweetwater Regional Park - 5.5 Miles from La Primera's house.

Bayfront Park - 3.7 miles from La Primera's house.

There's even a poker room 1.9 miles away.

This is where I live now. This might just look like a shitty picture, but it's the third picture that shows up in google images when you search "Mundelein". The second picture that shows up is a fucking strip mall.

2010-08-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit!
Did I take this picture?

...more later.

2010-08-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

Why Not Just Continue Posting Youtube Clips?

2010-07-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

Greatest Spam Ever

From: Duber Balderama
To: The Youngest (somehow via corenamaddox@yahoo.com)
Subject: Simple Allergy May Develop To Asthma. Combat The Disease!

She Poked The Fire Aimlessly. 'Wolfgang's Got To Be Stopped. He's Plotting Something With Some Of The Dwarfs. They Meet In The Forest,Gavin Says.'
http://wouldhaveformoward.com

Drunkenly. The Son Complained That The Old Man Wouldn't Die And Let His Son Inherit While He Was Young.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

2010-07-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

You Know...

I've noticed that nobody else has posted shit lately. I'm talking to you, other two...

Meanwhile, here is some entertaining shit:

2010-07-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Lost Vegas

One of the few bloggers that I read regularly just self-published a book he's been working on for several years.

If you know anyone who enjoys poker, Vegas, gambling, degenerates, casual drug use, the fringes of society, or humor (or all of them, like me) they are certain to enjoy this. Plus you'll get that warm fuzzy feeling from supporting a self-made artist.

Here are the blogs he contributes to...for a taste of his style.

Tao of Poker
Phish - Coventry

Buy Lost Vegas Here

2010-07-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

I Fought the Law and...I Won

Gonzo Fist

I mentioned a couple posts ago that the during my recent arrest for possession of cannabis (an obviously trumped-up, bullshit charge) the cops who arrested me were fairly disorganized and unprofessional. Maybe not "Keystone Kops" unprofessional, but they certainly would have felt right at home going out on patrol with Barney Fife.

The Keystone Kops

Luckily, that lack of professionalism extended beyond the police station and into the courthouse.

When I was initially arrested, I wasn't very concerned about the situation. I had a sparkly-clean criminal record and I figured that my punishment would be light. Maybe I'd have to do community service or drug school and, if I was a good boy for a year or so, the charges would get wiped from my record for good. I actually looked forward to my sentence. Imagining the deadbeats that I'd get to see in drug school or that I'd be picking up trash with was an exhilarating prospect. I'd probably get a few good stories out of it too.

Since I'm planning on moving before winter, though, it occurred to me that having a misdemeanor on my record could hinder my job search. I wouldn't have minded a charge like this 5 years ago, but when you're almost 30 years old, people might think twice about paying you $50-$65k a year if they picture you getting stoned and watching Comedy Central after work each day.

Brad Pitt in True Romance

I decided to hire a lawyer in the hopes of minimizing the impact to my record. At first I checked NORML's website for a list of compassionate attorneys. Before I went that route, though, I decided to relate my story to an online Phish forum. It seemed like a logical place to go...the fan base is getting older and many share my love for "going green". A lawyer who worked on cases involving children happened to see my story and he recommended a criminal lawyer that his wife worked with in Chicago. I called him up and, after a brief chat, he said that he could show up to represent me for (a very reasonable) $350.

Breaking Bad - Criminal Lawyer

The day before my court date I got a haircut and laid out my dress shoes, khaki's, nice shirt, suit jacket, and spectacles for the next day. My goal was to appear completely harmless and to be respectful of the court/judge/lawyer/DA who have to dress up every single day...despite the shitty appearance of the defendants who they have to deal with.

The next day I met my attorney 30 minutes before the court date and we went over my story again.

Hunter S Thompson w/attorney Oscar Acosta

"Wait, they didn't ask you if they could search your car?"

"No, I mean, I just assumed that for the accident or whatever they could search it...but they didn't bother asking, he just sent his partner. Presumably, to look for the beer that I admitted to having in the car."

My attorney raised his finger in a mock-scolding fashion,

"Ah, ah, ahh...that's where you made the mistake!"

We continued to chat. At some point my attorney compared pot to fine wine. I had brought all the paperwork the cops had given me and turned it over to him. He seemed pleased have documents to look at and to put something in his folder. When the court room opened, everyone approached the clerk to register. My attorney advised me to have a seat while he took care of everything.

The court wasn't expecting me, though. There was no record of my case. The clerk had nothing. The DA had nothing. My attorney looked at the paperwork I gave him, which confirmed that we were where we were supposed to be. He asked them to look for alternate spellings...nothing.

"Sit tight, I'll be back."

As I waited, I resisted my urge to joke about justice not only being blind...but deaf and dumb as well.

For the next half hour I observed a string of minorities stand before the judge as they doled out dismissals, community service, and other minor punishment and fines for a variety of misdemeanors. Occasionally the judge would get irritated with a small mistake that the DA had to correct or when a defendant wasn't speaking loudly enough. He was a large, intimidating figure with a gruff voice. I sat patiently and didn't slouch in my seat.

Eventually my attorney returned to the court room and came over to speak with me.

"The cop didn't even file the case yet, that's why there's no record of it...do you have a copy of your traffic ticket?"

I opened my wallet and gave it to my attorney.

"OK, I'll be back. We're trying to get everything processed upstairs."

I sat for another 45 minutes. Several times my attorney came in to chat briefly with the DA before leaving again and giving me the "I'm working on it...sit tight" hand gesture.

Finally, he pulled me out of the courtroom.

"OK, the police officer is upstairs trying to sort out a bunch of his cases. Apparently, you weren't the only one he screwed up. Once the paperwork comes down, you can do 24 hours of community service and have the charge expunged once you finish. Now...I've had a chance to read the arrest report. He said you passed the field sobriety test like you said, but the officer didn't say what the probable cause was to search your vehicle. He just wrote the words 'had probable cause to search vehicle'."

"Wait, so the probable cause was him writing the words 'probable cause' on the police report?"

"Exactly. We could probably delay the case and schedule another court date later on to pursue this and have the case dropped...and probably get some disciplinary action taken against the cop."

"I'd rather just do the 24 hrs and be done with it."

"Alright, we should be ready to get out of here whenever the paperwork comes down."

We sat around the courtroom for the remainder of the session. With 20 minutes left until 2:00pm on a Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, I was the only defendant left in the courtroom. The DA, Judge, my attorney, and the Court Clerk engaged in light banter...where we learned that the DA was in a rush to get out of the courtroom to catch a flight to LA. She was going to be in a friend's wedding.

My attorney jumped on the chance as she impatiently looked around. He approached her and said,

"When the paperwork shows up, do you just want to dismiss this quickly and get out of here?"

"Is your client here?"

"Yes! He's the only one left."

My attorney gestured in my direction and she looked back at me briefly.

"Sure, but I'm out of here in 15 minutes. It will have to be before then."

With 7 minutes to spare, the papers were dropped off and my name was finally called. The charges were read, but the judge only had half of the arrest report in the case file. He looked confused and irritated. My attorney informed him that we brought all necessary documentation and he offered up copies of the paperwork to the judge. They confirm the case numbers, the DA mumbled some legalese, I didn't open my mouth, and my attorney wished everyone a happy Fourth of July. He put his arm out to direct me out of the courtroom.

"Alright, that's it," my attorney said, "You don't have to do anything, the case has been dropped. We'll be able to have this expunged next week."

I wanted to high-five him.

It's nice to know that justice still exists in this world.

Also, the condition of The Silver Donkey has been upgraded from "Vehicle does not meet minimal DOT guidelines" to "Vehicle shows many signs of cosmetic damage."

I got that replacement bumper back on with an order from eBay, an order from a Honda auto parts website, and With My Own Bare Hands.

2010-06-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

God I love Phish
or
Instant Karma's Gonna Getcha
or
God I Love Phish
or
On To OHIO!

I went to bed at 5:00am Saturday morning, the day of the Blossom Music Center show. The previous night I narrowly escaped a DUI and was charged with possession of marijuana and paraphernalia after getting in a minor fender-bender following the Toyota Park show. I woke up at 9:30am the same morning, organized my beer, packed some shit, and grabbed an unweighed bag of shrooms I had laying around. I tend to prefer tripping at out of town venues when I have a nearby hotel. Needless to say, I stashed them more securely than the weed that I had in my car the night before...which was now sitting in an evidence room. 7 hours to Cleveland.

I didn't notice the time change until I checked into my hotel room and saw that the clock read 6:00pm. I expected the show to start at about 8:00. I had upgraded my seats to (fucking awesome) second row seats a couple days before the concert through a ticketmaster re-release. That meant I had to find someone to buy my extra ticket in the lot beforehand. It was a rush since I wanted to be situated inside the venue before I consumed my boomers...and I wanted them to wear off early enough so I could drive myself back to the hotel. As soon as I got into my hotel room I threw some beer in the sink, filled it up with a bunch of ice, and speed chilled (rotated) them. I grabbed a clean shirt, chugged a couple quick beers, packed my cooler bag, and hit the road for the venue by 6:30.

The directions that I had put me on a route that was closed to reroute concert traffic. I proceeded forward and turned at the next road. Without really know where I was going, I spotted a few phan-cars that I could follow for the rest of the way in. It occured to me on the drive that less than 24 hours ago I was cuffed in a police station having my fingerprints taken. I don't bother memorizing the new route that I would have to take home...I was in a damn fine mood, singing along to the (obviously phan requested) music on the local radio stations and having a blast driving through the beautiful state forest on a perfect summer day.

I arrived at Blossom and was directed to the furthest lot from the venue. I grabbed a couple beers, hooked the bag of shrooms over my undies, secured my camera in a similar fashion, and immediately started on the long walk to willcall to pick up my tickets. It was a total crowded clusterfuck of vendors, t-shirts, coolers, and slow-moving customers along shakedown. It was even worse up by the venue enrance. I had to proceed through a jam-packed line of security just to get to the box office to pick up my extra ticket. Since show time was fast approaching, there was a mass of people waiting to get in. It took me a good, sweaty, sweltering 20 minutes just to break through...then I had to come back out through the same mass of humanity to try to trade my extra.

Me, to an officer casually milling about outside a barricade.

"You mind if I just hop over this thing?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm just trying to get out, can't I just jump over here?"

"Just keep moving."

The police had taken my weed the night before, so I was hoping that I could trade my ticket for some nugs so I'd be set for the show. As soon as I hit an opening devoid of police and security I started hawking my extra to anyone standing around with a finger in the air. "11th row page side for nug trade!". I was hustling hard, doing the fast walk. The fifth or sixth person I encountered, a cute hippie girl, was all set and ready for the trade. Another guy came in with a different type of weed, comparing his with this girl's to compete for the ticket. I'm a weak man and traded with the girl. She also had the most citrusy-smelling weed I've ever smelt and even gave me an ego-flattering "you made the right choice" speech afterwords.

Just like that I had everything I needed for the show and headed back into the venue. It was an emotional experience just to get my ticket scanned to get inside since they only had about 7 gate entrances to filter in over 10k people. Like I said, I was trying to get situated and get these boomers in my belly as soon as possible. Once inside I grabbed my dinner, a soft pretzel and a Smithwicks, and went down to my (fucking awesome 2nd row) seat. There was a security guard about 2 feet in front of me on the rail, so I took off my hat, put it in my lap, and placed the bag of shrooms inside it to hide them.

I think it was about 8:00 when I finally took my seat. As I munched away I said hello to the couple that was sitting next to me and exchanged pleasantries before informing them that I was definitely going to have some extra mushies once I was done snacking. The girl must have been the sober-cab, because she quickly offered up her man. "I can't do them, but HE will!" I love giving away immobilizing drugs at shows...and if I'm gonna have a shit-eating grin on my face all night, someone nearby should too. Plus, he had a piece...and since mine had been taken by the cops the night before, it was a convenient situation.

(my picture)

The band took the stage before too long, so I handed the bag over to my neighbor. He snacked away and sent them back after a few minutes...I took a few more down for good measure.

As I noted, the band's playing has been getting better and better with each show and it's been fun watching them get their sea legs back over the past year. The shows are getting to that point this summer where it's worth it to download and listen to every show again...moments of awesomeness are becoming commonplace.

Here's a video I took during the Stash jam...featuring the annoying girl next to me who kept feeling compelled to engage me in conversation while I was trying to listen to the music. No, I am not going to ask why you don't have any fucking shoes. I don't care why you would be worried about somebody cashing a bowl on your feet...fucking people.

When setbreak came, I was feeling the full effect of the boomers. I decided against ingesting any more beer or weed midway through set one...I was where I needed to be. I was staring at the nearby band gear, trying to figure out what the fuck it was that I was looking at, when the girl next to me engaged me in conversation again...there was a beer spill, a request for security to help...random questions that were really difficuly to respond to while I was peaking with a head full of shrooms. Eventually I admitted my state of mind to get her to lay off a little bit. It took enormous concentration for me to ensure that the shit coming out of my lips actually made sense...she left me alone to talk to the people she came with. I was relieved, finally, and hope to be left alone for the remainder of the show.

Moments later, a guy in the front row turns around and says to me, "Are you The Youngest?"

I am frightened. I'm not a very social person, and to randomly run into someone who knows my name in a state I've never lived in is pretty weird. Especially considering my mental condition.

"Uhhh, yeah..." I responded as I eyed him warily...worried that his parents are in my parents' bible study.

"Does the name Jeffrey Lebowski mean anything to you?"

"....yes"

"Dude, I played hockey with you growing up, I was a year or two younger!"

"Holy shit!"

"My parents live down the street for yours...Meadow Lane!"

"Holy fuck!"

My mind was blown, it was such an odd experience. Not to mention the fact that the kid lived in L.A. now, and was only at the show because he scored first row mail order tickets.

Small fucking world.

I did my best to have a casual chat until setbreak ended. During set two, we were treated to a never-before-played cover...

Instant Karma - being a huge beatles and john lennon fan, I was fucking happy as a pig in shit hearing this. The security gaurd working the rail was a bit of a douche the whole show as well, flashing his light in peoples faces and being a distraction, so it was a blast singing the lyrics at him.

How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who in the hell d’you think you are
A super star?
Well...right you are

At one point during the second set, I was fairly certain that I was telepathically communicating with the band. Not just with the band, but with the lights, the overall energy from the crowd....I felt like I was mentally supporting the actual structure surrounding the stage. I was keeping the fabric of reality in check.

I was directly in front of the drummer, who was on fire that night, and several times I'd start grooving to a backbeat, encouraging him to ride it out, until the band noticed and shifted the jam into new territory.

I could sense a sort of telepathic fog hovering over the entire pavilion. I could see what looked like fiber-optic strings connecting the band, the lights, the crowd...and I was controlling all of it, directing the entire scene like a puppetmaster...or God. I was smiling ear-to-ear.

For a brief moment I lost my concentration, my control of the scene, just as the band was coming to the transition of a song...and they stopped. Briefly. As if they forgot who gave the cue to start the next section...or they were waiting for it from me. I quickly regained my focus and got things back in line. Trey smiled. Mike nodded his head like a muppet. All was well again.

(my video...Hydrogen...midway through a Mike's Groove)

After the show was over I did my best, considering what condition my condition was in, to chat with Jeff Lebowski before splitting up.

I was still tripping fairly decently and was having trouble performing simple logic exercises. Lightning and thunder started up as people were leaving the venue to the parking lot. I hit up a covered picnic area to sober up/wait out the storm/long walk back. While I sat, I tried to do the math to figure out when it would be OK to drive myself back to the hotel. I was thinking that a little over six hours would put me in the clear to get in line and wait in a traffic jam, but I was still unable to do the math. I knew that I ingested the shrooms at about 8:00 but I was having a hell of a time holding that idea in my head while doing the appropriate math to know what time it would be when 6 hours had passed.

I kept started off, saying, "OK, so I took them at 8." I'd look at my cell phone, note the time, and then completely lose my concentration. Eventually I decided to just people watch the fans streaming out of the venue and try not to weird out the people who were cycling in and out of the covered picnic area.

Once the stream of people died down, police vehicles started circling around to herd people back to their cars. I have no idea what time it was when I started walking back to my car. It took me forever to locate it, since I didn't note the nearby light post number in my rush, and by the time I found it, I was stuck in a rainstorm, happy to be in my car, and immediately started the beast up and headed for my hotel room. I just kind of expected that I would instinctively find my way back without consulting a map or getting directions.

I got in line to wait my turn to exit. It happened much sooner than I anticipated since I was in the worst, furthest back, parking lot there. I didn't feel weird behind the wheel, I felt in control...but I was still having trouble holding multiple thoughts in my head and maintaining a logical, sequential stream of thought. Whatever my state, the rain was pouring down outside. My car looked like it was ready to get stuck in a patch of muddy shit, traffic didn't look like it would be moving far any time soon, and I was ready for a warm bed.

As I was about to exit the parking lot area onto public roads, three drenched, helpless people flashed me the thumbs up to hitch a ride from me. One of them even threw in some extra flare and kicked up her skirt to really sell it. I slammed on my breaks and peaked out my passenger window to see an attractive girl peaking back...it took all of about 2 seconds for me to roll down my window and encourage the two girls and flat-brimmed wearing guy to hop inside my death trap.

At the time, I was thinking several thoughts.

1. Holy shit, you are being extremely irresponsible! Turn these people back into the rain!

2. I feel comfortable behind the wheel, I'm not drunk or weirded out by this situation.

3. These people might be able to navigate me to some place familiar since I have no fucking idea where I'm going.

4. These people will definitely say something if I am not OK to drive.

5. Holy shit, you are being extremely irresponsible! Turn these people back into the rain

6. Whatever you do, do not kill these people!

7. OK, we'll just get started out and see how this goes. If shit ain't right, we can always pull over and work something out.

8. I'd ask them to huff those nitrous balloons quickly so we don't attract any officers, but that seems kind of rude.

We pulled away and my passengers thanked me endlessly. They were soaked and I suspected that the girl in my passenger seat was on ecstasy. She was very, very talkative. I did my best to explain that I was basically a mindless driver. I had no idea where I was going, and if they wanted to get back to their hotel, they would need to tell me, turn by turn, where to go.

They were completely unprepared for this basic task. Instead, I was showered with offers of party favors and hints at sexual exploits once we got to their hotel. I was trying to get these people somewhere safe and dry and was completely unprepared to deal with this shit.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I really want to make sure I get you guys somewhere safe and you are being kind of distracting...if you could just quit asking so many questions and tell me where to go."

Eventually, we worked our way down some local streets to a gas station by a highway. We decided that it might be better driving to my hotel and for them to call a cab from there. This idea was fucking perfect for me. I just wanted to get off the road. I convinced my drugged-up passenger to get directions and designated her the navigator.

We finally made it back safely after dealing with several miles of me hugging the right lane while trying to see out of a foggy, rainy windshield and making sure that my navigator didn't miss telling me what exit I needed to take. I dropped them off at my hotel lobby before parking my car and was rewarded with a nice little nugget from the dude in the back seat. I was overjoyed to have a couple strains of primo weed to try out after having my stash taken by the cops the night before.

I collected my shit, which took about half an hour, and headed into the lobby. Where else but on Phish tour could I enjoy two back-to-back nights like these?

2010-06-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

Did That Really Just Happen?

or
I'm Down With The Brothers
or
Down With Disease
or
Fear and Loathing on I-294
or
"Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia."
(all Toyota Park concert images/videos were taken by me)

It's hard to believe that I'm sitting here at my desk at work after that wacky weekend. I could be in jail...or dodging deer in a state forest in Ohio while waiting for the psilocybin to wear off...or having my bumperless Civic towed again...or stressing about paying $10,000 in court costs...or being raped and murdered and having my carcass stuffed in some gay guy's trunk. Hell, it's hard to believe that all this happened in 48 hours...but it did.

12:00pm Friday
I take a half day off from work to make sure I have time to make it through the Friday Chicago traffic in time to see Phish play at Toyota Park. I grab some beer, pick up some shit for my cat, and try to get a few things together so I can leave by 10:00am the next morning for Cleveland. The second Phish show of the tour was in Ohio and I was planning on going. I pound a couple beers and hit the road at about 3:45pm.

5:00pm Friday
I arrive on Phish lot and roam around aimlessly looking at the shit people are selling...glassware, headie crystals, water (what the fuck it's just a buck!), posters, shirts...and I drink a few more delicious Fat Tires. I run into a couple of girls who I shared a room with at Red Rocks last year and set off to see if I can find Wreckdm & Rye, the other two that I shared the room with. Apparently, Wreckdm was operating some sort of parking lot beer tent and Rye was selling posters again. I couldn't find either of them.

6:30pm Friday
I stake out my place on the floor before the GA area gets too crowded. A couple sits next to me. The fairly dumpy looking white guy introduces me to his black girlfriend, and says it's her first show. Occasionally you'll see a black dude at a Phish show, but NEVER a black girl. It's like running into a polar bear in a Louisiana swamp...I briefly consider asking if I can touch her hair. She seems amused by the whole scene and fascinated that authorities don't bother to crack down on the casual drug use. "Does it always smell this good at these concerts?" "So there are never any fights or anything?" "Why are people holding their finger in the air outside?" I drink a couple 24 oz Sierra Nevadas, smoke a little, and we chat until show time. The couple is from Gary. They met on Craigslist.

7:45pm Friday
Phish takes the stage for their tour opening show and kick things off with an energetic Down With Disease. It's a kickass show for a tour opener and they are already playing noticeably better than last year, no warm up gigs needed. Awesome song selection, too. Jesus Just Left Chicago, Wolfman's, Boogie On, Divided Sky, Reba, Ghost, Maze, Antelope, Julius, Horse->Silent...it was an awesome show.

11:30pm Friday
I'm on the road, heading back home, longingly thinking about my bed and mentally planning for my trip to Cleveland the next morning. I descend the ramp to merge onto I-294 and get in line to move into the gridlocked traffic. I stick my nose in front of a large truck and slowly inch forward as the car in front of me advances. Apparently, the Mack truck behind me was sick of letting people merge, though, so he decided to crash into the rear door of my car. I tried pulling away to avoid more contact after the initial impact, but my bumper ended up getting torn off and dragged lifelessly next to my car. He called the cops to report the accident and the first officer showed up.

12:15am Saturday
After talking to the truck driver to get his story first, the officer (black) asks me my story and immediately tells me that I smell like booze. I admit to drinking two beers several hours ago. I'm pretty sure that I'm down with the blacks after talking to that girl at the show, so I try to be as honest as possible. He asks if I will step behind the truck to take a field sobriety test. I comply.

12:18am Saturday
Backup squad arrives with another black officer. I'm 95% sure that I'm still down with the blacks.

12:20am Saturday
Since we're in a construction zone, the road has been ground down a few inches below the curb/drainage area. The cop puts me on the elevated, angled curb and plans to have me walk the line. I explain that it doesn't feel like a level surface and ask for a better area. I am in flip flops. We move to the street.

12:23am Saturday
I execute 9 heel-to-toe steps (in flip flops), counting off each step. I then pivot on my left foot and take nine steps back (as instructed). It was a flawless dance, performed with the grace and poise of a modern day Gene Kelly. I briefly consider doing a quick 360 spin and showing the cop my jazz hands. Instead I just smirk at the officer and raise my eyebrows as if to say, "Is that all you've got."

12:26am Saturday
He takes out a pen and has me follow the tip back and forth using my eyes only. I know he is looking for eyeball-wobble when my eyes are at the edge. I alter my focus to try to beat it. He spends at least 2 full minutes testing me.

12:30am Saturday
I stand straight with my hands at my side, lift my right leg 10 inches off the ground, and begin counting up from one. I make eye contact with the officer as I perform and at 23,24,25 I start sing-songing the numbers to sound bored with the test. I don't shake or wobble or anything, I was a rock. An oak.

12:31am Saturday
The officer says, "I have one more test that I'd like to administer to you, will you take the breathalyzer?"

"If I passed the field sobriety test, I would prefer not to."

"I didn't say you passed."

"I would prefer not to take the breathalyzer if you are satisfied with how I performed the other tests."

"Do you have any beer in your car?"

"Yes, sir. In the back seat."

"Have a seat in my squad car."

12:35am Saturday
The officer sends the backup cop to get the beer from my car, which apparently is code for "poke around and see if you find anything incriminating." Moments later he comes back shining a flashlight proudly on a glass jar of beautiful nuggets.

"What do we have here?"

"That...is a little bit of marijuana."

"Step out of the vehicle."

12:40am Saturday
I am cuffed, now, in the front seat--hands wedged behind my back. I help the officer fill out my arrest report. I recite my memorized license plate number, the first half of my drivers license number...I help him spell the word "analyst". I say "yes sir" and "no sir" a fuckload of times. I ingratiate myself and stare helplessly at the floor of the car. At some point, he tells me that I'm just getting one ticket for improper lane use ($75). "That's a lot better than a DUI, I'm doing you a favor."

"Yes, sir. I'm not complaining, sir."

1:15am Saturday
Finally, a tow truck comes to take my vehicle. We drive away to the Bridgeview Police Department so I can be processed. My right hand is handcuffed to the wall as one officer fills out more paper work and the other tries to figure out how to get the camera working to take my picture & fingerprints. We were in there for hours. The officers were not masters of efficiency...or following procedures. Among the things that happened:

A cop accidentally locked us inside the processing room and had to call the front desk for help.

A cop took several personal phone calls while I was being booked.

A gun was left on a table within easy reach of my uncuffed hand while the cop who owned it went to the other side of the room.

Statements from the arresting officer:

"So how many beers did you have?"
"Two."
"I'm putting down 'one' on this report."

"Ohhh, that weed is stinky! That's some good stuff!"

"Yeah, I got the beer on the inventory report...organic beer!"

"Now, it looks like you have something loaded in this pipe. You didn't smoke this today, did you?"
"No sir."

3:10am Saturday
Finally, I'm released after posting $100 bond for my court date. The officers instruct me to walk to a nearby gas station and get a ride. As I exit the building one of them calls back to me, "Hey man," I turn to look behind me, "Just say no!" he says with a smile. I force a laugh as I take off and wonder what the fuck kind of bizzaro world I'm living in. I call about 4 cab companies before finding one that can pick me up and take me to the towing company.

3:15am Saturday
A guy who was getting gas starts walking towards the store part of the gas station. I inform him that it's closed as he gets closer. He is overweight, bald, and has a very friendly lisp. He asks how my night is going and I give him a brief rundown of the recent events and tell him I'm waiting for a cab to take me to my towed car. Suddenly, this guy really wants to give me a ride there. I explain that he probably doesn't know where the towing company is. He says that he has GPS. I explain that I used 411 to get the cab company number and couldn't call them back to cancel since I didn't have the number. He suggests giving the driver $5 when he showed up to take off. Meanwhile, this guy asks me to stand behind his car while he stuffs a bunch of shit that was on the passenger seat into a large black trashbag which he throws in the trunk. For reasons that I would rather not guess, he wanted to be sure that I kept my distance as he stuffed that shit in the bag. I get more and more freaked out. Finally the cab arrives. I thank the creepy gay guy for his offer before refusing, once again, and jumping in the cab. Gay guy looked annoyed. I praised the cabbie for arriving when he did and gave him a substantial tip.

3:25am Saturday
I pay the $225 to retrieve my towed car and head home. The bumper is stuffed in the back seat and my vehicle looks like it came from the set of Mad Max. I am shocked to be driving myself home after that run in with the police.

4:20am
I arrive home and am too wired to fall asleep until after 5:00am. I decide not to let the last five hours keep me from driving to Ohio the next morning. You can't pass up a concert when you have second row seats and The Man just gave you a get out of jail free card.

END PART I

2010-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

People often ask me what it is like training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in Southern California, the region with the largest concentration of BJJ next to, perhaps Rio/Sao Paulo. I tell them that training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu here is a lot like training it anywhere else in the world, only much, much sexier.

See also:

Sexy BBQs
Sexy Beverly Hills Library
Sexy Los Angeles Primary Health Provider
Sexy Hollywood Party

2010-06-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

2010 Stanley Cup Champions...

The Chicago Blackhawks!!

“Madam Speaker, you have no idea how much I’m going to enjoy this, but sometime late last night, Patrick Kane slipped a puck past a Philadelphia goaltender in overtime and the Chicago Blackhawks became the Stanley Cup champions.”

2010-06-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

One More Win
...and the Chicago Blackhawks will have their names immortalized on the greatest trophy in sports, The Stanley Cup.

So...

Fuck you Chris Pronger. Fuck you Flyers fans. We are taking this from you.

Forever.

Tune in tonight, June 9th at 7:00 central on NBC...or Friday June 11th (if we need it).

Now let's go out there and stick 'em!

2010-06-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

Mankind Fail

The disturbing wildlife pictures have arrived. (gross Gulf content)

2010-06-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

Eight Days 'Till Tour Opening Kickoff @ Toyota Park

meanwhile...GO HAWKS!

2010-05-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

You'll Just Go On...an Oblivious Fool

Any park ranger could explain to you that there are colors in the animal kingdom that are representative of danger. Bees are bright yellow and black. Tigers are bright orange and black. Lions are orange and fucking humongous with massive claws and they run like fucking super-fast and they're extremely intimidating and their eyes glow like demon eyes staring out from the depths of hell.

Dangerous plants survive using a similar mechanism. There aren't many among us who would, if looking for a casual snack, take a chance on eating one of these things.

What's really scary is a plant like a raspberry. It looks like it could be a poisonous little berry...it's bright red and has spikes around it and shit, but no, it's delicious as hell. If you consider the fact that delicious things are similar in appearance to poisonous things you might think that God is playing a mean trick on all of us...blame it on Cain.

...or doubt that the park ranger knows what the fuck he's talking about in the first place.

This whole post is sidetracked on a complete tangent, though. I appear to be lacking focus. The most interesting part of this whole entry is that I found an image in the process of writing this ...the picture below perfectly sums up the mental image that I first had before I started writing. I wanted to take the idea that there are dangerous looking plants that are fucking scary looking. Nobody would eat them. They are instinctively repulsive to us, as are many other harmful things that we encounter in the natural environment. I wanted to pair that idea with the simple concept that...

Lots of food in our modern diet is similar, but we eat that food regardless. It's no surprise what bad decisions people make on a consistent daily basis if you take a look around at the restaurants that are flourishing. It doesn't take a scientist to realize that this is more healthy than this or this....or that this is better than this. or....well. If the food wasn't filling a hole, it wouldn't be sold.

Karmufflefluger. Sometimes words are inadequate and distracting...they distort things from the initial mental image, which was the whole point of me starting this post. This is all there is to it. There's sort of a running theme that we should be smart enough to recognize by now. I mean, eventually I'm sure we'll evolve to be intrinsically skeptical of any logo, but until then...this image that I stumbled upon seems to illustrate my point without using any words.

Oh, before you go, I would strongly advise everyone to remove the filter when searching Google images. You get some really interesting results.

Also, don't take this attitude as me being preachy. I will shamelessly confess my willingness to devour my favorite dish from any of those places when I'm drunk at 2:00am...or when I just want some comfort during lunch at work...or after a satisfying jog or...

I think I'm drunk. And hungry.

Oh, more awesome old school rap. Biggie Smalls - Every Day Struggle.

2010-05-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

After training really hard immediately after receiving my purple belt, and then in advance of going to Brazil, and then after Brazil, my body was hurting all over. I was experiencing chronic pain in my neck, finger, wrist, knee, and both shoulders. I was burned out. So I took it easy for a little while, and only recently have started getting back into shape.

Last week, I received an email from Leon, my original Brazilian Jiu Jitsu instructor. Over the course of many years, he trained his wife in the martial arts until she became a bad motherfucker. She knows wrestling, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and Thai Kickboxing. If Leon wasn’t the Coronel Kurtz of martial arts, they would both have high rank, but Leon has been off the reservation for most of his martial arts career, taking in willing natives through intimidation, force of will, and moral strength, molding them into fighters until an inevitable fall out occurs from training in the equivalent of a deep Camodian jungle.

He recently moved to Michigan, and has been getting back into the training/teaching game. He wrote me the following email about his wife, Smegal:

So [Smegal] goes to the gym and im busy helping train this other dude for a fight...so she goes to train jitsu with this dude doing some grappling (he's wearing his judo blue belt - she's wearing her bjj blue belt)...she takes him down 3 times (single, double and near leg hook), passes his guard "easily", scissor sweeps him twice, and submits him with a bent up from mount...he got nothing at all...unless you count the "what the fuck is this?? look on his face"...he was about 135-145ish (not sure)...then he "had to go"...on the way out he tells bob, the owner, "she's strong"...he tells me what he said and i say "she's 105 lbs, she's not strong...it's technique"...he smiles and i laugh on the inside

she gives me the report/details later b/c i wasnt really watching it when it went down...she said she thought about giving him one so he wouldn't feel bad and then thought "nah"...

fucking hilarious...she should have put him to sleep and then done the dance of death with victory laps right?

2010-05-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

Geopolitics

We take a break from our regularly scheduled ramblings to bring you today's headline news:

South Korea: North responsible for torpedo attack on warship

By John Pomfret and Blaine Harden
Washington Post Staff Writers
Tuesday, May 18, 2010; 2:47 PM

South Korea will formally blame North Korea on Thursday for launching four torpedos at one of its battleships in March, causing an explosion that killed 46 sailors and heightened tensions in one of the world's most perilous regions, U.S. and East Asian officials said.

South Korea confirmed its suspicion that North Korea was responsible for the attack after a message from Kim Jong Ill stated that “We sunk your battleship. Suck it, capitalist loving bitches!”

Investigators from Australia, Britain, Sweden and the United States pieced together the attack. The officials, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because South Korea has yet to disclose the findings of the investigation, said that “North Koreas decision to target cells A1 to D1 scored 4/4 direct hits, thus sinking the South Korean battleship.” The officials were not commissioned to comment on military strategy, however, felt that “the decision to place such a key vessel in such an obvious place was inexcusable. Why not just cluster all your ships together, and let the North Koreans pick them off, one at a time?” an unnamed official reported.

2010-05-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

Roger, Roger

The Persian developer I work with orders lunch for pick up on a daily basis. There are more than thirty places within walking distance of our office, and prior to phoning in the order, he asks me if I want anything. If I do, he orders the food, walks to the restaurant, delivers it to my desk, and attempts to undercharge me. Every once in a while when I know he’s busy, I’ll return the favor.

What follows is the actual transcript from today:

Mezz0 [1:58 PM]:
Yo

Amir [1:58 PM]:
Yep

Mezz0 [1:58 PM]:
Have you eaten yet?

Amir [1:59 PM]:
no shit

Mezz0 [2:00 PM]:
When you use "no shit" to mean "of course not," you have to say it in response to a statement. For example:

"You must be hungry"
"No shit" (of course I'm hungry)

Amir [2:01 PM]:
roger Roger* - WTF are we going to eat? any shit is ok

Mezz0 [2:01 PM]:
Do you want to eat the shit food from the shit deli place?

Amir [2:02 PM]:
yes shir - do whatever shit you wanna do, I am hell ya with that

Amir [2:03 PM]:
2 shit burgers

Mezz0 [2:03 PM]:
2 shit burgers, coming right up

*He loves referencing “Airplane”

2010-04-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

The Best of All Possible Worlds

I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of documentation at work these days, and do not feel like writing in my spare time. Furthermore, I don’t have a lot to say. I am boring myself writing this sentence. I feel as though I’ve been on the leading edge of contemporary thought for years now, and it’s just so fucking exhausting. I’ve lost my passion for furthering the discourse of the intelligentsia, and am sick of seeing misquotes of misquotes make it to press sans credit. I’ll let George Will and Arianna Huffington battle it out, and will no longer accept last minute interview requests from NPR the next time there is some desperate international situation. The world will just have to get by without my cogent insights and incisive political analysis. After experiencing the pinnacle of blogging, I am officially semi-retired, and will only post every few weeks or so when I need to expectorate some nonsense for all my bottom-feeding readers.

Speaking of which, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that, aside from one or two exceptions, you, dear readers, are not really doing it for me. That’s right, I said it. I didn’t, and will not miss you at all. I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not. The emperor has no clothes, and he is wagging his penis at you.

I’ve been asked hundreds of times what I’ve been doing in my time off, and apart from investigating why U.S. Americans are saying “Really?” in mock disbelief in record numbers, delving into the rash of kissy-face photos that keep cropping up on Facebook, and obsessing over Justin Bieber, I have been preparing for the looming, massive inflationary crisis about to hit my beloved country, and tending to my patio garden.

Dwarf 2-3 Year Old Grapefruit Tree

Dwarf 1 Year Old Lemon Tree

Container Tomatoes & Seedlings

It’s my personal opinion that precious metals, normally a safe haven for a once-in-a-generation increase in prices, may, like using miracle-gro on your container tomatoes, be the obvious choice, but not the best choice. I believe we need to throw conventional wisdom aside, stop using traditional fertilizer, and start using fertilizer bombs (metaphorically speaking) to deal with this looming threat that is the flood of M3 monies flowing into the financial system. Indeed, we will reap what we sow, and I’m not talking about delicious dwarf grapefruit due to ripen this Fall, rather, I am talking (again, in metaphor), of running bamboo, planted by the previous owner, that will threaten the foundation of your house, or at the very least, require the repaving of your driveway every few years. If we can’t trust a fellow citizen not to destroy his own property by planting an invasive and insidious foreign flora, how can we trust that a charming community organizer will not continue to pull the levers of our economy with the reckless abandon of a child with a Hasbro toy?

It is time to invest in agriculture ETFs, for we must, as investors concerned about the inevitable collapse (in real value) of our 401ks, follow the advice of Candide (excerpted from Candide, 1759, by Voltaire):

"Neither need you tell me," said Candide, "that we must take care of our garden."

"You are in the right," said Pangloss; "for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it; and this proves that man was not born to be idle."

"Work then without disputing," said Martin; "it is the only way to render life supportable."

The little society, one and all, entered into this laudable design and set themselves to exert their different talents. The little piece of ground yielded them a plentiful crop. Cunegund indeed was very ugly, but she became an excellent hand at pastrywork… Pangloss used now and then to say to Candide:

"There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts."

"Excellently observed," answered Candide; "but let us cultivate our garden, and more importantly, invest in exchange traded ag funds."

2010-04-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

No Respect!

I needed some new glasses so I went to my optometrist today. After spending an hour trying to get my prescription right, she finally threw up her hands in exasperation, "You know what your problem is? You don't focus!"

I tell ya, I get no respect. Even my eye doctor is giving me life advice. That bitch even charged me for an hour of counseling!

...no respect!

(Yeah, my doctor actually said I don't focus. Ever since I figured out that magic eye thing in middle school, I never went back to normal. I've also eaten a considerable amount of acid and spent way too much time as a child shining flashlights in my eyes for the bizarre aftereffects.)

2010-04-02T21:37:00.001-07:00

The Youngest Plans Travel
(a pictori-videopreview)

Well, I'll be damned. 80 degrees in Chicago on April Fools Day. Who doesn't like unseasonably blissful weather? Finally it's about time for us to bid a fond "fuck off" to the horrors and savage depression that accompany the harsh midwestern winter. Spring/Summer/Fall triseason has arrived...which means it's time to get the hell out of here and go somewhere fun to enjoy it.

Minnesota Camping trip - Mid May
Time to get drunk, jump in a boat, and throw out a few lines. Maybe we'll just get drunk and throw a frisbee around. Maybe we'll just do lines and talk politics. Indeed, the possibilities are endless in Paul Bunyon country.

June 11th - Chicago - Toyota Park
Alright, I know I live in (the)Chicago (area) but this shit is important. Phish kicks off their 2010 Summer tour right in my own backyard. Should I make a joke involving faulty Toyota vehicles? You know I would...but if I get going I'm scared that I won't be able to stop.

(make sure to watch until at least 0:45 of the video)

June 12th - Cuyahoga Falls, OH - Blossom Music Center
New venue for me! This is a pretty cool looking place tucked into a state forest just south of Cleveland. After taking a look at some pictures and realizing that the show was on a Saturday, how could I not go? That roof is just asking to get climbed on.

Hiatus - June 13 - Aug 5
Yet another reason to generally loathe the east coast of our country is the fact that Phish plays a shitload of shows over there. The west gets three nights in Berkeley and two in Colorado, the east gets 16 shows in states bordering the Atlantic.

August 6th-11th - Telluride, CO - Telluride Town Park
Holy shit! Two years in a row I managed to pull the hardest Phish tickets on tour. Last year was four nights at Red Rocks, this year is the tiny resort town of Telluride for two nights. It looks like Phish is following in the historic tradition of the Grateful Dead yet again.

Will I see Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Norman Schwarzkopf, Kristie Brinkley, or any other of the famous Telluride residents trying to score pharmies on lot? Who gives a shit. Check this place out.

Extra Bonus: Fri/Sat/Sun I will have to camp, fish, hike, and enjoy the area before the concerts come Mon/Tues night.

August 12th-13th - Deer Creek(Verizon Wireless) Amphitheater- Noblesville, IN
Last year I gave a ride to two complete strangers from Chicago who paid me in drugs. The '09 Creek show was fucking awesome. A sweet Drowned jam following about an hour of standing outside in a massive lightning storm during set break. For some reason, they only did one night instead of two or three like they used to, so there was no point in camping. It makes the trip a lot more fun when you can relax, get some sleep, and rage another show the next day. Plus the whole charm of Deer Creek is the fact that it's surrounded by houses that turn extra land into campsites and charge concert goers to stay.

August 14th-15th - Alpine Valley Music Theater - East Troy, Wi
If you live in IL or WI, you never miss alpine. 40,000 people in a huge lot two days in a row feels more like a mini festival than a concert. If you're a real Phish fan in the midwest, you never miss the Creek-->Alpine pilgrimage. Alpine is loooong overdue to get ripped apart by a wild show.

This was Cicinatti's Divided Sky crowd cheer from last year. Fucking awesome. Loudest I can remember...fun fun show. Listen for the guy close to the cameraman who is tripping so hard he forgets how to scream and lets out a weird unnatural noise (1:16).